It's been a crazy week. What is it with Halloween being so very busy? I've made it through other 'firsts' without Jason. Trick or Treating, Halloween parties, and USM Homecoming. I'll be honest, I wanted to skip out on all of it, but I know I have to keep going. A friend of mine sent me a text message the other day asking how I was doing. I began to converse with her about the deep pain I was feeling at the present and she sent me back simple advice, "keep walking, Steph." So, I keep walking. I so badly would love to stay in the bed and pull the covers over my head, but really what good would that do? My children wouldn't allow it for 2 seconds! Thank God for them during this most difficult time.
I was able to have dinner here in Hattiesburg with a friend of mine from Naples on Thursday night. Heather was doing some work in Jackson this week and made a HUGE sacrifice by driving down for the evening and taking me to dinner. What a treat! Heather is the first person from Naples that I have seen since Jason's death. Oh, the emotions that flooded my soul just seeing her sweet smile. I know I have written before about my time in Naples and I could write for days all that God did while there in two short years. How I wouldn't trade ONE single day that Jason and I had there now! I know for those of you who had to listen to me 'cry' over moving and even listen to me 'cry' over the fact we were 13 hours from home are now saying, "I told you so!" Go ahead, I give you permission.
Naples will FOREVER hold such a special place in my heart. God taught me so much about trusting Him completely while there. It was there that He began to prepare me for this journey I've been on for the last 10 months. It was there that He began dealing with me in regards to the fear of the unknown that had such a stronghold in my life. It was there that I had to completely get out of my comfort zone and rest in our Sovereign Lord. Another precious thing about Naples is that during our 2 years there, Jason and I grew SO very close to each other. So amazing how God works. I know I say this so often, but He really does blow my mind.
Naples will always be special also because of the people that we grew to love while there. Jason and I were so blessed to not only have our family and friends praying and encouraging us from the Hattiesburg area, but also those from Naples as well. We were constantly scratching our heads in astonishment each and every time we heard from anyone from Naples during Jason's battle with leukemia. I pray I get the opportunity to visit these wonderful folks in the near future. I know it will be a bitter sweet visit, but one I long to take.
I will close tonight by sharing a statement that I read this week by Beth Moore. "Every time we suffer loss, we have the opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed." My prayer is that He will be revealed more and more because of this great loss. In the meantime, I'll keep walking.
15 comments:
You are truly an amazing woman! Someone that any person could look up to for your strength and trust in our Lord. I check your website to see how you are doing, and your strength is just amazing, how you find it to continue everyday. You are a hero! I'm sure your children and family are very proud of you, which they should be! I couldn't imagine loosing my husband. You are right, no matter what obstacle we meet in the road, we should just keep walking :)
Jacey
Ohio
Stephanie - I am from Hattiesburg originally and began following your journey early this year through caring bridge. I still love to read your new blog and look forward to your posts. I wanted you to know that there are still certain songs or things that make me think of you and Jason and the children. I know I am not alone - so please, please remember that all for those people who know you well - there are these "strangers" who are thinking and praying for you also. You are incredibly strong...
Debbie
Gulfport
You really are an amazing person. Your faith is inspiring. I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my prayers. I check you blog often and the other day my two year old was sitting with me as I checked it. We are catholic and I admit that I don't know very much about the bible nor do I teach my child very much either. I aspire to be better. The other day as I checked your blog and she was looking at it with me, the minute it came up she pointed to your family picture and said "Momma look at Jesus". It blew me away and scared me. I was very unprepared for that reaction. I hate that you lost someone so dear to you, but please know that your horrific journey has made me take one of my own to find God in my own life and I sincerely thank you. Yes keep walking, you are changing lives of others by living your own. Thank you!
Stephanie;
I've been following Jason's CB site since 1 month before his death. I have read everything you have written since then. If what I'm about to say means anything to you, I just want you to know, I've seen tremendous growth in you & what you write, since Jason's passing. YOU ARE GROWING GIRL! I'm an "outsider", & I can see it!
I hope you find that to be encouraging! God has greater plans still, for you. Just put one foot in fron of the other :)
Andie :)
Yes Sweet Steph, keep walking. There are many of us out here walking with you and beside you, praying you through on this journey. Your words always speak to my heart, knowing He never leaves nor forsakes us. I love you girl and I know you make God so proud to call you His daughter.
Much Love, Laurie in Ca.
Stephanie, I don't know if you heard or not but Cameron passed away on Thursday Oct. 30, 2008. He was buried on Saturday. We are still praying for your family. We ask God to be with you and give you the peace that you need but most of all we ask you to be with strength that you need to go through each day and Iam sure that you are tired at the end of the day after taking care of those children. They were so cute in their outfits and I love the butterfly, my granddaughter was one last year. Love and Prayers.
Dave and Sharlene Burgess
sburg321@hotmail.com
Belton, SC
Stephanie,
How beautifully you reflect the love of our precious Savior! Thanks for continuing to be such a beacon for so many of us. We continue to remember all of you and pray for your continued healing. I know Jason is proud of how each of you brings glory to the Father through this journey. Know we are here if we can help in any way. I would be glad to spend time with some little folks and send you off on a girls' night!
You're right about keeping going...Remember, it is okay to crawl sometimes. More importantly remember that God is right there beside you, before you, behind you, lifting you, carrying you...as the good shepherd cares for, provides for, protects,knows, and sees his sheep. He will never tire of your call. Love ya, Steph. Rest. ms g
Steph....and that my dear sweet Steph is the secret to any strugle we go through. I noticed that little Cameron died last Thursday...Mike M has walked through Cancer free monthes....Eddie B also. Financial losses..child services taking your baby away...broken homes. All of these and more struggles we face....helps to remind us to KEEP WALKING.
You are doing a great job of that! You will be a better momma for that growth and your children will rise up and call you blessed!
I am glad you loved being in Naples... going off together w/o family around, living in a strange place away from familiar surroundings REALLY DOES MAKE YOU depend on each other more! I am glad you and Jason got to experience that together!
Joy and Love, Ms Debi O
Come on Steph, you can do better than just "walking". Strut your stuff woman. Do the electric slide, centipede, or the bunny hop. When Im missing J alot, I pop in one of his CD's(which are all out of order now; he would kill me) and shake my money maker. I picture J shaking that head and laughing at me. It is stupid but it works. I may even let you borrow a CD or two. Love y'all.
BRAD
Oh yeah,
Tell the Dork to stop prank calling me and trying to get Ross to call me names. I can't believe he would stoop so low.
BRAD
Stephanie, I began following your journey through caringbridge. Since this time, you have been such an inspiration to me. I admire you for your strength. I will be moving to Hattiesburg soon, and its so great to know there are such wonderful people as yourself in this area. God Bless you and I pray for you and your family constantly.
PLEASE get someone (even JB) to videotape you doing the electric slide...I think you owe it to humanity to post that video here.
Amen, sister! Crawl if you have to but I agree with Brad--if you're in the mood for the centipede, then that would change it up a little!
Read Isaiah 63:9--it has come to mean a lot to me and I think it will you, too, if you do not already know it.
Love,
Kim
Psalm 84:11-12 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold From those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, Blessed is the {wo}man who trusts in You!
Stephanie, you trust and you are blessed! Keep your eyes on Jesus!
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