A week ago today was Jason's birthday and I must tell you it was such a rough day for me. I hurt so deeply and so badly wanted Jason here with me on this earth. I wanted to look into his eyes and tell him Happy Birthday. I wanted so badly to sit with him and fill him in on all that has transpired in the last 4 months. I wanted him to walk through the door and greet the kids the way he greeted them each day after returning home from work or school. The weather was so very gloomy on his birthday and that was exactly how I felt. Gloomy and so very sad. I was overwhelmed once again by the all the words of encouragement I received on that day through phone calls, emails, text messages, messages on this blog as well as facebook messages. However, the day just seemed to drag and feel...heavy. I could not wait until November 13 arrived. And it did.
On November 13th the sun was shining so bright and the sky was clear blue. Thank Jesus! I packed and cleaned all morning getting ready for Disney. I had prayed the night before that somehow the Lord would allow me to be genuinely excited about this trip. He once again was faithful. I woke up Thursday a.m. really ready for this trip. We flew out Thursday afternoon with 3 VERY excited kids. I think Ashley and I were just as excited as they were! Speaking of Ashley, let me just take a moment and thank her in this setting. Ashley hates any attention so I know she won't be happy with me about the next couple of sentences. This entire trip was Ashley's idea and provided for by her. She called me several months ago and surprised me with the idea. I was overwhelmed then and I still am overwhelmed at her love and generosity. I wish I could adequately express to you how very special Ashley is to me. I pretty much hand picked her to be my sister in law. :) (Scott, you know you can't argue with that statement!) I SO badly wanted to have a sister growing up and God blessed me BIG time as an adult to have 2 absolutely wonderful sisters in law who have become my best friends. I am so thankful for both of them. Anyway, the fact that she provided this trip for me and the kids is just who Ashley is... so giving. Giving, but she NEVER seeks the applause of others because of that giving spirit. You see, Ashley learned this trait directly from her parents. They also are SO giving to me and to my family.
Disney didn't fail us, it truly was a magical time. It has always been a favorite place of mine and Jason's, but it will now hold such a different place in my heart because of what it did this visit. For 5 days I was happy. Really happy. We talked of Jason a lot, but all happy memories. No leukemia memories. Oh, I can't tell you what that did for me. God used Disney to give me HOPE of what was to come. (Yes, you read it correctly... God used Disney...is that possible? Some Southern Baptists would disagree with me!) Through this trip the Lord provided me hope for having true JOY again.
Grief is a tricky and rough process. Some days are easier than others. Let me back up and say some moments are easier than others. Some moments I smile/laugh and others I cry... A LOT. Some days I wake up ready for the day while other days I think, "there is no way I can make it today." Some nights I fall fast asleep while other nights I cry myself to sleep for missing Jason so much. The last 5 days I was able to have joy. Yes, I missed Jason tremendously, but for 5 days I had what I would call a reprieve from the heaviness of grief that I have experienced over the last 4 months. I guess it was more like a break from my reality. I can't tell you how thankful to the Lord I am for this break and glimpse of joy.
Recently I read a devotional by Beth Moore that spoke of this very thing. Allow me to quote her directly so not to mess up what God was saying through her.
"Joy may seem to pause as grief takes its course, but those whose hearts are bound by Him will experience it again." She then quotes Jeremiah 31:3-4. "You, O Lord, love me with an everlasting love; You have drawn me with loving kindness. You will build me up again and I will be rebuilt. I will take up my tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful!"
What a promise our Lord provides! I must admit when we landed in Atlanta for a quick lay-over Monday night, my reality hit me square in the eyes and the pain returned. I know this grief is for a season and one day I know He will rebuild me and allow me to be joyful again. The joy He will bring will last for more than 5 days, too. In the meantime, I am most thankful for the break He provided and for the HOPE I have as to what is to come. I will continue to allow Him to heal my broken heart in His time. I continue to lean hard into Jesus knowing His ways are perfect and that He is good.
9 comments:
Thank God for His abundant blessings! And, yes, Stephanie, He can use Disney for His good! I am so glad you had the clouds of grief clear for a time. It is so obvious that all of you are having fun. You truly are blessed with an amazing family!
Steph:
God created it all, so He can choose to use any of it He wishes, including Disney. Still praying for you regulary, EVEN NOW.
Here's the quote for this week:
"Heaven, the hope that reminds me that this world is not my home, though it is my assignment. And, while I'm waiting to go there, I'm trying to get some of there, here."
Dudley Hall.
Love you guys, and I also thank God
for your sister-in-laws. They are both VERY SPECIAL, and that is why we put up with their husbands (Big Ole Grin).
Love you loads, and we'll "See you at The House".
Uncle D
Sweet Steph,
I am so glad to read about your reprieve of hope. You sure have needed this time away to just savor the sweet memories of Jason in your heart. This is who he is, cancer is just the thing that took him. Praying daily for you, asking God to be right there and gently bring you through each moment. Praying for your broken heart to feel some healing and comfort in the lonliest of times that come. The kids look great and happy too. Prayers for all of you.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
One of my favorite verses is, "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it." I CHOOSE to take that verse literally. Especially in the things/events that we have attempted to give over to the world rather than enjoy them ourselves. Disney is such a happy place for me, too. I am so thankful that God used Disney to give you rest (not physical of course) from your grief.
I am sure it's hard to think about creating special memories without Jason, but I am sure that your week with Ashley and the kids is the first of many.
Thanks again for sharing. See you soon.
Amy
Sis,
You will get no argument from me regarding your statement that you picked Ashley as your sister in law. J had a pretty big role in it as well though. You are pretty good at picking spouses. First, there was Jason for you, and then Ashley for me. You have an undefeated record.
Now, I am going to try and not act hurt by your statement that you always wanted a sister. It reads as if you would have preferred a sister over a brother, but I am sure that was not your true intent. (As Uncle D would say, Big Ole Grin.)
Uncle D, I can assure you that Ashley and ReRe would be chosen by my family and the Weathers over their own. Brad and I would be homeless and alone if the families had to choose. Fortunately, yall have to take the bad with the good.
As to my wife, she really is special. I should point out that Ashley spent money that we call "hers" and not "ours" on this trip. Love you Ash.
Scott
*Great* entry, Steph. Good stuff, as always.
One correction to Scott's comment: I believe that it was actually me, along with pretty much the entire youth dept. @ TBC that picked Jason for your spouse. Sure, you eventually got there & agreed w/ our vote. It just seemed to take y'all a little while to realize reality. *huge grin*
Mike (Madaris...for reasons unknown, I can't post this w/ my blogger ID)
p.s. - my nephew was part of the goodies; his initiative, his $, his time...he was *very* excited about setting that all up & about talking the concierge into putting that in your room.
p.p.s. - re: your scripture passage: I didn't even know you danced & played the tamborine...*smile* Pretty cool passage, huh?
I would like to set the record straight once & for all who is responsible for getting Steph & Jason together. That, of course, would be me. It was I who set up the movie to "Medicine Man" (irony?) and it was I who yanked Kim Dunn up out of the seat next to Jason & made sure Steph held that position.
Don't be hatin' folks. I just make myself available to be used by God in any way possible. Sometimes He needs us to yank people out of their seats. Can I get a witness???
Love you Steph,
Kristen
I would like to set the record straight also. Not about who hooked J and Steph up. Does it really matter? I just want to point out that Steph already had a sister. Her name is Scott. He is just a tom boy. Don't worry Scott; you are my favorite little girl.
Stephanie - what a blessing this post is. I could not resist sending you this devotional that someone sent me today, and I hope it will bring you some HOPE. Thinking of you and your journey daily - in fact, many times a day, and know how challenging these approaching holidays will be for you, the chidren, JM, Peggy, Brad and all. Thoughts and prayers, as always. Love, carolyn laster
He Still Opens Doors
Today's Scripture
“I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close” (Revelation 3:8, NLT).
Today's Word
God is ready to present you with new opportunities. He wants to open new doors before you. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in the world around you, in the economy, the housing industry, or with job reports; God’s Word still remains true. He rewards the people who seek after Him. He’s not the least bit concerned about how He’s going to supply your needs. There is no recession in heaven. He has His eye on you, and He still opens doors that no one can shut! In an instant, He can bring the right people into your life, the right opportunities, and the right resources to take you to a new level.
But in order to go to a higher level, you have to have a higher way of thinking. You can’t stay focused on what’s happening in the natural nor allow worry and fear to fill your thoughts. Remember, God’s ways are higher than our ways. He is working on your behalf behind the scenes in the supernatural realm. Choose to keep an attitude of faith and expectancy. As you do, you’ll move forward through the open doors of blessing God has prepared for you.
A Prayer for Today
Father in heaven, I bless Your holy name. Thank You for opening doors for me that no one can close. Fill me with Your peace and joy today as I wait on You. In Jesus’ Name Amen.
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