The Life I Planned

It is January 25, 2009. I decided after we hit the anniversary of Jason's diagnosis that I wasn't going to torture myself by reliving every detail of this time last January. It was a very hard month to have to relive. I made this commitment not to revisit caringbridge, but I crumbled. I found myself drawn there today only to discover it was a year ago yesterday that we learned that Jason did not achieve remission from the first round of chemo. I read my words that I had posted a year ago and found myself pondering all the feelings I was experiencing that day.

Here is what I posted on January 24, 2008:

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say on the Lord." Psalm 27:14

We most certainly did not receive the news we were praying for this afternoon. Dr Bellare informed us that Jason still had 60% leukemic cells in his marrow. We started with 100% so we can praise Jesus that the first round did get 40% of those bad cells. He is starting Jason on another round of chemo this afternoon. These drugs are much stronger than what he received in the first round and from what we understand this will last for 4 days. Most AML patients are able to get the leukemia in remission with the 1st round of chemo - usually 80%. Unfortunately, we are in the 20% that have to be reinduced. Our hearts are broken to say the least, but we will press on! We know that the Lord hasn't stepped off of his throne and this set back does not surprise him - AT ALL! We know that God is up to something when HE sends something difficult our way. The Lord has been so faithful to us and I know without a shadow of doubt that he will continue to do so. He is our rock, our fortress, our hope, and our confidence.

"There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has come past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose." Alan Redpath


Lord, may we not miss the great purpose you have for us. Reveal it to us in your perfect time.
Please continue to pray for sweet Jason. What a precious child of God he is and I am so incredibly blessed to be married to him.
We love you all.
Stephanie and Jason

I remember driving to Forrest General that morning prior to getting the biopsy results and as usual I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. During Jason's entire illness and especially at the beginning I tried so hard not to break down around the kids. I tried to always be "up" and positive about Jason's battle with leukemia. At first I remember not even wanting to even say the word leukemia or cancer in their presence for fear of causing them anxiety. I usually saved my "ugly cries" for the car. As I drove into the hospital that morning, I heard the song "Everlasting God". I have posted the words to that song before..."strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord...our God, He reigns forever..."
I know that song was just for me that morning and was from the Lord. He was reminding me to wait on Him! Obviously, I didn't know for sure we would get such bad news, but deep down I was preparing myself. Wait, let me re-word that... HE was preparing me for the devastating news that would come that afternoon.

I was in the hall of the hospital going to get Jason some ice when I ran into Dr. Bellare. I remember feeling SO very nervous that entire day and when I saw Dr. Bellare I remember thinking I am going to throw up all over this sweet man! Even my hands were shaking. Remember, I was 8 months pregnant, too. He grabbed my shoulders and began saying, "Stephanie, it's not good, it's not good at all." I began to cry uncontrollably. I am so thankful that I heard this news first without Jason. Dr. Bellare was so kind and reminded me immediately that God was still in control. I got myself together so that I could go with him to tell Jason.

Jason was more than devastated at this news. He said nothing at first, but tears just fell quietly. I remember holding both of his hands tightly and wanting to speak SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but no words could come out. Finally, our dads saved the day! Literally. It wasn't 10 minutes after Dr. Bellare left that Gary and Jon Mark came walking into room 6608. They were both very encouraging and even a few jokes were made to lighten the mood a bit. Brad arrived minutes later thus changing the mood COMPLETELY! :)

As I drove home that night I remember crying out to the Lord in complete anguish. "Why, Lord? Why is this happening to us?" I remember pleading with the Lord that these children and I so desperately needed Jason to be here with us. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly make it without Jason. I was totally broken and felt so defeated.

When I finally went to bed that night I continued to say over and over again, "wait on the Lord..." It was one of the many nights that I cried myself to sleep. Praise God His mercies are new every morning!

I appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to relive some hard moments. I am not sure if it is helpful for me to do this or not, but for some reason I feel the need to do it.

I have this collection of poems and vignettes by Beth Moore. I have had it for years...you know how I love me some Beth Moore! Anyway, I came across this poem entitled "The Life I Planned". I found it so encouraging and wanted it to share it here. It is a bit lengthy, but stay with me!

Has someone seen the life I planned?

It seems it's been misplaced

I've looked in every corner

It's lost without a trace

I've found one I don't recognize

Things missing that were dear

Promises I'd hope to keep

And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Faces I had planned to see

Hands I planned to hold

Now absent in the pictures

Not the way I told

Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?

God took my hand from searching

Then I heard him say,

"Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans I have for you

Are more than you could dream.

"You long to walk by sight

But I'm teaching eyes to see.

I know what I am doing

'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed

To know He heard my moans

To think I'd trade in all He's done

For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness

And how He'd proved Himself

How He'd gone beyond my dreams

And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard

My eyes have never seen

Eternal plans you have for me

Are more than I could dream.

"Yes, I long to walk by sight

But You're teaching eyes to see

You know what You are doing

'Til then, I must believe."

I felt His great compassion

Mercy unrestrained

He let me mourn my losses

And showed me to my gains.

I offered Him my future

And released to Him my past

I traded in my dreams

For a plan He said would last.

I get no glimpse ahead

No certainties at all

Except the presence of the One

Who will not let me fall.

Are you also searching

For a life you planned yourself?

Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans He has for you

Are more than you could dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith

But He's teaching eyes to see

He knows what He is doing

Child, step out and believe.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind

has conceived what God has prepared

for those that love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I have said this time and time again...this certainly isn't the life I had planned, but my God has been faithful. This whole experience has shaken me to the core and caused me to question His ways, but I will continue to trust in His sovereignty and BELIEVE.