Leaning on Everlasting Arms

Warning: My entry tonight is going to be jumbled and probably seem like ramble to you...probably most entries seem that way, but please be aware that I recognize my shortcomings tonight. :)

I am listening to a book on CD right now on heaven. Actually, HEAVEN is the book title. The author is Randy Alcorn. I have really enjoyed listening to this book, but I must admit I have been challenged by it in so many ways. I guess in my mind I have thought heaven was a certain way, but obviously my thoughts were not totally based on scripture. Anyway, this isn't what I am going to write about tonight...that must be saved for a night when I am rested up and I have LOTS of time! I do intend to share my thoughts on the book, but that must come at a later date.

There is one point of this book that I'd like to write about for a few minutes. The author of this book believes that those that have gone before us quite possibly are aware of things that are taking place on this earth. He cites a couple of scriptures to back this up...forgive me for not having those handy, but the CD is in my car right this moment and being that it is after 11:00 p.m., I'd rather not venture to my garage to fetch it.

I have always thought those in heaven couldn't see or know what is taking place on earth for that would cause them pain and there can be no pain in heaven. As I began thinking about this possibility I was VERY worried about the thought of Jason being aware of how I was doing dealing with his death. I became overwhelmed with the thought of him seeing me how I was handling certain situations! Ha! (I am not being totally serious here...I doubt there is time in heaven to know EVERY detail of my life right now, but the Lord may be allowing him to know certain things going on in our family.)

I laughed and told some of my friends/family that if Jason is even somewhat aware of my life he is probably saying, "Stephanie, GET IT TOGETHER! Those are my children you are raising!" Part of my daily grief that I struggle with is how inadequate I feel as a mother right now. Jason and I were a team when it came to raising our children. He was VERY involved in every aspect of their life. Because there are 3 of them and only 1 of me, I feel most overwhelmed each day with all of the day to day responsibilities that come along with raising 3 children... ALONE. Most days I go to sleep feeling very disappointed with myself in the way I handled certain situations with the kids. I beat myself up for not spending enough time with each of them individually. I could go on and on here, but you get the point.

So, I decided after learning that he might be aware of how things are going here on earth that I'd better step it up a notch...for Jason. :) I know of all of my shortcomings without Jason, but I think there are certain things he would be proud of and I decided to make a list. I guess I wanted to make this list just to make me feel better. These are in no particular order.

Things Jason would be proud of IF he was privy to what was taking place here on earth:
1. We live next door to Brad and Sherri. He would have loved that SO very much. I know it has to please him that they are so much a part of our daily lives.
2. Scott and Brad have become good friends who text/email each other regularly. Jason loved both of them so much.
3. Anna Lea and Sherri's baptism had to be a HUGE highlight for him. I remember the day they were baptized and remember not wanting the moment to end b/c if Jason was a part of the "cloud of witnesses..." then I was in his presence. Oh, just to be with Jason again.
4. I have stayed by myself in this house on numerous times and I haven't gotten scared! Jason knew what a chicken I was and this my friends is nothing but a GOD thing!
5. His anesthesia degree that I am anxiously awaiting for its arrival in the mail. I have said this before, but Jason worked SO hard in obtaining this degree.
6. I FINALLY ordered his head stone. I agonized over this decision for so long. This sort of thing would have been very important to him. Those that knew Jason well will understand this.
7. Brad hasn't destroyed all of his things...YET!
8. Jon Brent is more OCD than ever before. This is direct trait of Jason.
9. Ally loves to eat! Jason always thought our other 2 didn't eat near enough and he was right.
10. I have a job. Jason knew more than anyone that all I wanted to do when I "grew up" was to be a stay at home mom. He knew that my major in college was really a Mrs. degree. :) Granted my job is very part time, but baby steps, people!
11. Anna Lea tells me everyday that she wants to be like her daddy. She also told her teacher at school that she wanted to be a nurse b/c that is what her daddy did. That has to make his heart smile.
12. I bought a flat screen tv for the den. Jason had a real LOVE for electronics. He wouldn't be proud of the fact that I didn't buy Sony. He was very partial to this brand. Ha.
13. Jon Brent is FINALLY fully potty trained. I hate he missed that one... BIG TIME. Pardon the bathroom humor, but Jon Brent has a new found love for going to the potty outside. Believe it or not, that would make Jason very proud.
14. I am doing an average job in keeping the checkbook...still a work in progress. I LOVED when I got married that someone would handle all money items for me. I think Jason would be proud of how I have handled MOST decisions. Maybe not the amount of $ I spend on children's clothes, but deep down I know he expects it.
15. The children's education fund that was established in his memory would blow his mind.
16. He would be so proud of all the ways peoplehave served our family since his death.
17. Ally looks more like him every day. I pray that continues.
18. My dad has changed numerous diapers. :) Seriously, I know he must be proud of the ways our family has stepped in and helped in making our life somewhat easier.
19. We went to Destin after Christmas. He loved Destin so much. I visited there right after he died and it was so painful, but this trip was different. Lots of happy memories.
20. We are all STANDING! You may remember from caringbridge that Jason and I had a conversation about 2 months before he died about the possibility that he might not beat leukemia. He was so very worried about me and how I would handle being a mom to 3 without him. He was especially worried about the financial aspect of it. He needed not to worry and neither do I b/c God has been SO faithful.

I could write more, but I'll stop for now. How I wish he was here with me now, but I know his joy is now complete because he is with his Savior. Praise God we're one day closer to joining Jason and our Lord forever!