I Will Remember

Wow. Seems like so long ago that I attended therapy with you nice people! Christmas came and went and overall it was good. Praise God, we made it through! Christmas Eve seemed to be harder than the 25th. I am not sure why, but I thought I was going to suffocate that day. The pain was unbearable at times. I guess Christmas day was just super busy. We left the day after Christmas heading to Destin with Jon Mark and Peggy, Brad, Sherri and Bailey. It was absolutely crazy trying to leave the day after Christmas, but it certainly helped to go out of town. The kids had a great time as did I. Melinda, Ashley, Ross, Anderson, Daniel and Haley also came to Destin and that was fun to get to hang out with them some. The kids all have battled some sort of illness the entire holiday so our 'hanging' out time was limited. All in all, I have to say my God was SO faithful to get me through the holiday season. Each and every time I felt completely overwhelmed He provided me His peace. I stand in awe of Him each and every day.

I must admit I was very ready to say goodbye to 2008. It was a year ago this week that our journey began. I'll never forget the night before Jason heard the words, "you might have leukemia...you need to see an oncologist immediately." That night I did battle. Battle with the Lord and Satan. I might freak some of you out at this point, but spiritual warfare is very real. It was very real in my room at my parents house January 5, 2008. Let me back up a little and provide some background information...

The week before Jason's diagnosis, he ran a fever consistently. He had seen a family physician in Naples at the beginning of the fever and this doctor prescribed him an antibiotic. After 3 days on the antibiotic he continued to run a high fever. I insisted he find an after hours clinic in Naples on that Sunday so that blood work could be done. Why did I insist on this? I have NO idea. It is like the Lord was gently preparing me for what was to come. Those several days before he went for blood work, I just knew he had leukemia. I have NO idea where I got that from, but I even shared my feelings with some friends and family and they all thought I was crazy. I just knew...

Now back to the night of January 5 (night before blood work was performed at an after hours clinic). I tried to sleep to no avail. All night long I cried as I literally heard in one ear..."Stephanie, a God that loves you would NEVER allow your husband to have leukemia. I mean, you are 7 months pregnant and ya'll are so close to him graduating from anesthesia school." Oh, how it grieved me so to hear these words. In the other ear I heard God saying, "Stephanie, I love you with an everlasting love. Do you trust me? Trust me, Stephanie. I will never leave nor forsake you." At 5:00 a.m. I finally said to God, "your will, Lord."

It was a little over 5 hours later that I took a phone call during church from Jason. He was crying. I knew. Even before he said a word. "Stephanie, he said I could have leukemia..." Oh, how my heart was shattered in a million pieces. And there he was 13 hours away from me. He was all alone and I couldn't get to him fast enough.

Then the journey began. We flew him back to Hattiesburg the very next day to be seen by our favorite oncologist, Dr. Bellare. When Jason walked in his parents house that afternoon he was white as a ghost. No color whatsoever. I believe he was very close to death that day, but that's for another day.

I remember sitting in Dr. Bellare's office like it was yesterday. I remember Jason was shaking with chills as he was running a fever even then. I remember Dr. Bellare thoroughly examining Jason and all the while me praying that this was just some fluke and that as soon as he finished examining him he would tell us he had mono or something. I remember Dr. Bellare leaving the room to go and look at his blood work through a slide. My good friend Heather Berke, who is a doctor, prepared me that he would do this. I remember as we waited Jason and I chatted, but who knows what we talked about. I held his hand and played with his fingers. Even they were ghostly pale.

The door opened and I could see it in Dr. Bellare's eyes. He sat down and held both of our hands. He began to say something to the effect of..."I have just prayed and asked the Lord to give me wisdom in how to tell you two special kids this horrible news." My heart sunk and I remember feeling very nauseous. I held Jason's hand tighter. And then the official word. "Jason, it appears you have acute myelogenous leukemia. I am pretty confident of this, but will need to do a biopsy to be certain." Acute what? For days I couldn't even pronounce myelogenous and remember being so thankful to hear that it was also called acute myeloid leukemia. I could pronounce that. Maybe. Anyway, Dr. Bellare told us we must go straight to Forrest General to be admitted. I started to cry as did Jason. He shared 2 verses of scripture and then prayed with us.

I have never been so afraid in all of my life than I was on that day. I remember calling my parents and then Jason's parents. All I could say was, "it is leukemia and we're headed to the hospital." I began to send text messages to friends begging them to start praying immediately. Soon after that my phone was being bombarded with text messages from friends and strangers telling me they were praying and even providing God's word for me to cling to...and boy did I cling to those promises! You see, this is just one of the MANY ways that in our darkest hour the Lord showed up. His faithfulness to us had just began. There is so much more I could share, but for now I'll stop.

This past Sunday a.m. our praise team at church sang a song entitled, "We Will Remember." So much of 2008 is SO incredibly painful to remember, but as I listened to them sing about remembering God's faithfulness, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He has been SO incredibly faithful to me even in the hardest times and as much as I'd like to forget 2008, I can't because I must share with others of His faithfulness.

Read below the words of the song and for those of you that walked the entire journey with us, be amazed at how fitting this song is for us...

We Will Remember, by Tommy Walker

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

You’re our creator, our life sustainer
Deliverer, our comfort, our joy throughout the ages
You’ve been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm

With signs and wonders You’ve shown Your power
With precious blood You showed us Your grace
You’ve been our helper, our liberator
The giver of life with no end

When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

Hallelujah, hallelujah
To the one from whom all blessings flow
Hallelujah, hallelujah
To the one whose glory has been shown

I still remember the day You saved me
The day I heard You call out my name
You said You loved me and would never leave me
And I’ve never been the same

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

So even in the blog world, I will SHOUT, our God is good and He is the faithful one!

Friends, I ask that you continue to pray for me in the coming days. These days are tough to walk through, but I know I'll get to the other side. He hasn't let me down yet!