Jon Brent and I had to make a run to Target on Monday. While I was walking around Target and talking on my cell phone, Jon Brent asked me if we could purchase a box of Spiderman fruit snacks. I proceeded to tell him yes just so he'd be quiet while I finished my conversation. Once I had ended my phone call, I noticed as I began to push my cart to the next aisle that Jon Brent had placed 10 boxes of fruit chews in our cart. 10! He thought he'd sample from every one they offered. He was none to pleased when I told him we could only get one box. Lesson learned? Don't talk on your cell phone in Target with Jon Brent!
I am not sure if everyone is getting to experience this great fall weather like we are in Hattiesburg, but it has been so nice. The first night that I realized how cool it was, I immediately began to cry. Jason loved the fall. Most definitely his favorite time of the year, as it is for so many. He loved it when it was 'crisp' outside. He especially loved a crisp day while watching a little football. It is just strange how a drop in temperature can make me miss him terribly. Actually, everything right now makes me miss him terribly. I told someone today that I was hoping the actual physical pain of losing Jason would begin to diminish, but thus far it hasn't. I miss him so much.
I decided I needed to capture a little of Ally on the video camera the other day. Poor baby. Being that 3rd child, she'll have no video of herself when she grows up! Anyway, when I was finished, I began to rewind the tape in search of Jason. I briefly saw him on our home video and had to press stop pretty quickly after seeing him. I couldn't watch it. So strange because I can look at still pictures of him all day long, but when I saw him talking, it was much too painful. AND in this particular video, it is obvious that he was sick. He looked sick. He looked tired and thin. The muscles in his shoulders had disappeared. For a brief second after seeing him on the video, I became so very angry at leukemia.
Let me say that again, I became so very angry at leukemia. I began to think how this horrible disease robbed my husband of his life on earth. It robbed him of being a daddy to these precious children. It robbed him of getting to graduate from anesthesia school. It robbed him of growing old with me. It robbed him and me of all the plans and dreams we had as a family. Why? I can honestly say that I have never been mad at God for allowing this disease to invade our lives. I would be lying if I told you I haven't asked God, "why Jason?" Why did you choose our family?
I haven't nor do I expect to know fully why this happened to us, but I can't be mad at the only thing I have to cling to right now. How could I turn my back on this One who sustains me in moments like this? He is so faithful. At the very moment that all this anger welled up in my heart, I was reminded of a song that I had been singing earlier in the day. It goes like this...
Into your hand
I commit again
With all I am for you Lord
You hold my world in the palm of your hand
And I'm yours forever
Jesus, I believe in you
Jesus, I belong to you
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am
I'll walk with you wherever you go
Through tears and joy
I'll trust in you
And I will live in all of your ways
And your promises forever
I will worship
I will worship you forever
(Hillsong, With All I Am)
I am thankful that I serve a loving God who sees my hurt and allows me to question, yet, in my questions He is faithful to remind of His great promises. Amazing God He is. Yes, I do belong to Him. He is carrying me in the palm of His hand. I am having to walk with Him through the tears, but the key words are that I am walking WITH Him. Wherever He goes, I am going. He's all I have right now and I do trust him. I will worship Him for He is good.
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am. John 14:1-3
What a promise! Because of that great promise, I press forward.
Steph
9 comments:
Just like Jon Brent, Will loves very much the gummies. He has Nemo gummies right now, but we've had the Spiderman ones, too. They could be in the shape of roadkill and my son would still eat them.
I am praying for you today that you find strength from leaning hard into Jesus. I loved what you said about "walking with Him". You focused on Him being with you, but what stood out to me is that you are walking. He has a plan and you are walking it together. You aren't standing still and refusing to budge. Keep going. He is directing your paths.
See you soon, Kristen
What a tremendous blessing that you have in your walk with God. To go through something like this without Him would certainly seem impossible. I am so very thankful to Him for his tender mercy through this storm.
Tell JB I'll buy him all the gummies he wants. He went to Target with the wrong woman.
Thinking of you today Stephanie and praying for you too. Jon Brent just cracks me up. My grandson Isaac has done the very same thing with me. I have to say that Kristen's "roadkill" and becky's "wrong woman" comments made me about choke on my coffee this morning when I first read. Sweetie, I am praying that every day God gives you the strength you need to keep up with life and boxes of gummies as your heart is so broken for Jason. It is a balancing act for sure, one that only can be done with the Lord gently leading you through. His plan is unfolding moment by moment, as He reveals the big picture to you in His time. You always bless me with your honest writing from your heart. I love you.
Laurie in Ca.
Stephanie- you are such an inspiration to me and the way that I try to lead my life! I think of you and your sweet children on a daily bases! I dont know if you know it or not but my aunt Dee (Daddy's sister) past four years ago to cancer. There are so many things you say about leaning on God that I wish I could go back and do differently when I think of the way that I delt with her passing! You amaze me daily, so keep it up, I know that I am not the only one that you have touched! I pray that God brings you the answers and the peace that you need sooner than later, because we both know that HE will it is just a matter of time!
We are going to bring the boys to tailgate Saturday, I would love to get to see you guys if you are going to be around! my e-mail is
laralizabeth@yahoo.com if you get a chance sometime I would love to hear from you!
Love in Christ
Lara
Sweet picture!
We pray for all of you so often in our home!
Hey girl!!! LOVED the pic of sweet Jon Brent....I was just admiring his sweet face on my digital photo frame...Mitch downloaded the pics from his day with us and I smile every time I see him....what a cutie!! I know exactly what you're talking about with the weather change turning your thoughts to Jason. Will was a big duck hunter and this time or year always motivated him to take out the duck calls and practice up for hunting season....I always feel like he is waving at me when a flock of Canadian geese fly over on their annual treck south....funny how many odd little things are such strong memory triggers....my sweet daddy was a woodworker by hobby and I don't ever smell sawdust that my heart doesn't hurt for missing him...You hang in there and continue to lean on the ONE that will walk you through this dark season....I'm like Kristen...I'm so proud of you for walking, not wallowing....you're going to be fine, my friend. It's just going to take time and we've already discussed our mutual love of the "waiting game"....but what character you are building in the meantime...not just yours, but in all of us too!!! Love you much!!
Jon Brent sounds like 2 of my grandchildren that is what they would do if you let them. You are such a inspiration. I still come to your site to try and give you some words of encouragement and you are the one that is so encouraging to me. You have such a strong Faith. Keep the Faith and Look to God as you have been doing and he will continue to get you throught the hard days. Love and Prayers.
Dave and Sharlene Burgess
sburg321@hotmail.com
Belton, SC 29627
Just came to check in on you and catch up. I do miss y'all on the CB. The 'Believe it or Not' post made me laugh - I just wonder now how much really happened... After seeing Brad's name at the bottom, I went back up and read again and couldn't tell if it was you or him to start with.
I just LOVE that picture of JB with his stash of gummies! That is something Christopher would do, too! :) Gotta love the way they think! Hope all is going well in your "neck of the woods." We miss you here!
God bless!
Kara
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