This is the week that I have been dreading for so long, yet at the same time I have wanted it to come and go quickly. Have I mentioned how tricky grief really can be? July 12th marks the one year anniversary of Jason's death. This time last year I had no idea that this would be the week that Jason's life would end. I knew he was very sick. I knew he was most weary of fighting this horrific disease, but I had no idea what would unfold on the afternoon of July 9th. (Respiratory failure due to chemo induced pneumonia which then caused Jason to go into cardiac arrest.) I spent over an hour reading Jason's caring bridge site tonight...specifically the entries written this week. To say that was difficult is a huge understatement. So incredibly painful to relive, but for some reason I felt the need to do it. I will be writing more than usual this week and I thank you for the opportunity to simply share my heart. Tonight I wanted to share an entry I wrote on July 6, 2008. I continue to be amazed at how God works even in my pain. To Him be the glory...
It's about 11:45 p.m. and I had no intention of updating tonight, but I am up with lots on my mind. Not sure if those who are reading this day to day realize this, but writing in this journal is therapy for me. Pretty cheap therapy, too. News flash... I am not a great writer, not even a good writer, but I write here b/c in some ways it helps me. So... it is almost midnight and I need therapy.
In less than 15 minutes it will have been exactly 6 months since we started this bend in the road. Six months and right now there is no end in sight. I think this is the hardest part of this journey is not knowing when this will come to an end. I shared with someone recently that if we just knew we had to endure this for ___ number of months, we could all press on a lot easier. Those of you following Mississippi news might have seen the well known attorney's son that was sentenced to 14 months in federal prison. I noticed that this individuals wife is pregnant. My heart broke for her at first, however, then in an instant I wanted to call her and tell her what my life has been like the last 6 months and then encourage her that she could get through these next 14 months b/c she knows exactly when her nightmare would end. Call me selfish, I guess. I know God chooses not to show us how our life will unfold and in some ways I am thankful, but in other ways I wish I knew.
My heart hurts so much for Jason. He feels so lousy and right now he has nothing to look forward to because as soon as he starts to feel better he'll have to go right back to FGH and do it all over again. Please right now pray for relief for Jason. He's tired and weary. He's lost that twinkle in his eye. He tries to smile, but it's an empty smile. I miss my husband. I miss just hanging out talking about things other than medicine, blood sugars, chemo, body temperature, etc. I miss that sweet smile and laugh of his. I miss the way he interacts with the kids. I miss the way he is normally SO hands on with them. I just miss the things that this horrible disease is suppressing right now. I know that those of you that have watched a love one fight through something like this know exactly what I am talking about. Please pray that Jason will begin to feel better and soon. I need him! The kids need him! God is teaching me so much about patience right now. Obviously, after "hearing" my heart tonight you know that I haven't mastered the WAIT word. We're all tired, Lord. Give us all the strength and the perseverance to get through the rest of this journey.
We need MORE of you, Jesus!
I am even more convinced that our Lord was not only preparing me for Jason's departure from this earth, but He was also preparing Jason. He was tired of all that he was having to experience. I am so thankful to our Lord for never giving us an ounce more of what we can handle. His promises are true day after day. I had no idea that the night I wrote these words that Jason's journey would come to an end 6 days later.
I miss Jason so much and wish so badly things could have turned out differently for all of us, but His word continues to bring me great comfort. Our Lord heard my hearts cry on this day last year. He knew we were all tired. He did give us the strength to press on and He still showed up BIG and continues to do so even today. I have so many thoughts this week. So many emotions. Thanks for allowing me to share them here. Thanking all of you in advance for praying our family through this week.
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Dear Stephanie,
I know it's a difficult week for you. A year ago today our 16 year old nephew died from injuries he received when being hit by an adult drunk driver on July 2. Our nephew was on his way to work and his tox screen was "clean as a whistle". We had no time at all to prepare for his death..well..5 days. A year and a half later, my sister died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. We had no time at all to prepare for her death. Our lives, in both instances, changed in the blink of an eye. Our family is still not back to normal and never will be. But we know it was meant to be; it was their time to go, and they are out of pain and with the Lord. Our nephew didn't get to graduate high school; won't meet the love of his life; will never see his children born. My sister will never see how much her grandchildren grow. I have never lost a spouse, but lost my parents when I was 15, one to leukemia and one to a brain aneurysm. I watched my father go through what your Jason went through and fight so hard to stay alive to see us grow up..until he could not fight the disease any longer. We had time to prepare for his death, yet, when it came, it didn't seem any easier. So, while I do not know exactly how you feel, I know the feel of grief all too well and can only tell you to "flow through it" until is passes. Writing helps me also, only I keep my thought to myself and my grief support group. Writing is great therapy. I will be thinking about you this week.
Praying for you & your children always, especially this week of remembering.
Sincerely,
Janice Martin
Your therapy is therapy for so many.. You have touched me and countless others that you have never even met. My prayers are with you this week. After watching my best friend lose his 33 year old wife to breast cancer last March, I want you to know that your spiritual journey, this "written therapy", has helped me understand a little better. I am so certain that your Jason is so very proud to watch you stand on your own two feet and continue to be the person he so clearly loved....so many would be bitter and broken. Your faith in God is amazing and inspiring.
Stephanie, Anna Lea, Jon Brent & Ally, We love you and our prayers & thoughts are with you this week and beyond. Love, Janice G
Stephanie,
Your whole family is in my prayers and thoughts. I don't spend much time with many Hattiesburg friends anymore, but my Bible study girls here know your story, and we are praying. I didn't know Jason beyond knowing he was your husband, but I know he would be proud of you.
Lifting you to Him,
Christy
I am praying for you this week Stephanie, how hard it must be for you in so many ways. Just know I love you and the kids and am praying for grace and peace for you okay sweetie?
Love and Hugs, Laurie
As soon as we rolled the calendar to July 1st, I began to remember July 12th of last year. And, I know that these are extremely difficult times for you.
The caringbridge post that you included today is filled with the words that I always remember you writing. I didn't remember the exact words. But, I always think about your honesty when you wrote expressing your impatience with your journey and how much you miss the things that Jason could no longer do. You were and continue to be so honest about your thoughts and emotions, and I know that is why you are able to be such a light to all of us.
Thank you! And, I love you soooooooooo much. I will continue to think of you and pray for you over the next week. I hope I get to see you REALLY soon.
Amy
Dear Stephanie, I am praying for you this week. God is all knowing and He is in control. You will make it thru this week and many more to come. I feel your pain, my mom starts chemo again at FGH Friday. Well, the cancer center next to FGH. We thought we beat the cancer. We thought it was in remission. I am nervous and scared bc last time she took chemo we almost lost her. I struggle everday bc I do not understand how something that is suppose to help can actually take our loved ones away. Even in our sorrow God is good bc we have a wonderful doctor now. Our new doc, Dr. Bond, is AWESOME!! I trust her and I trust that God will get us thru this no matter what. I say all this to say, God is there with you and he will continue to be your rock and support even when you do not realize it! Again, my prayers are with you! Please continue to post bc your therapy is my therapy.
No words to convey how my heart hurts for you this week. Praying for you!!!!
Stephanie,
I remember this week all too well. Last year at this time, I was reading your message of Jason's death, knowing that I was watching my husband, Phillip, dying of the same dreaded disease. We never met but I felt a closeness due to our circumstances. Phillip was diagnosed the day after Thanksgiving, before Jason was diagnosed in January.
I do not know how you feel, but I cannot hardly believe that it has been a year. It still seems like we should be waking up from a bad dream. I am just so very thankful that we both have had the Lord Jesus holding us and comforting us through this last year. What do people do that does not have the peace that only God can give?
I would love to hear from you sometimes. Please contact me if you would like to communicate.
Love,
Janet Estes
esteses@cableone.net
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