I come here tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of putting on a smile each and every day when inside I feel so very sad. Tired of being lonely even when surrounded by others. Tired from missing Jason so much that it physically hurts at times. Just tired. Not necessarily tired from lack of sleep. Maybe weary is a better word. Last Thursday we hit the 8 month anniversary of Jason's death. I really believed several months ago that at this point I would be at different point in the grief process. Sometimes I find myself very frustrated at where I am in the grief process. Not frustrated at God, but frustrated at myself.
I woke up recently in the middle of the night so angry that it was cardiac arrest that ultimately killed Jason and not the actual leukemia. I found myself googling cardiac arrest and respiratory failure all over again. I needed to know more medically. If I could have phoned a medical doctor at 2:00 a.m. to get a better explanation as to what happened, I believe I would have. Why? What would that change? Not a thing. I guess it is just how I have to work through this whole experience. I continually remind myself that my Lord is sovereign and His ways are perfect. I guess in my selfishness I wish I didn't have to hurt so deeply for His will to be accomplished.
I have thought of the cross a lot lately. Please hear me when I say that I am NOT comparing my loss to what Jesus experienced in the cross. I do however find great comfort in knowing that my Lord is acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). He knows suffering like no other (1 Peter 2: 21-25). The Jesus I cling to each moment is fully aware of experiencing great pain in order to accomplish God's perfect will. Praise Him!
So, I continue to hold on tightly to my Savior knowing in His time sustaining JOY will return. In the meantime, these precious gifts from our Lord keep me going.
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!
Lamentations 3:22-23
11 comments:
Oh Sweet Stephanie,
My heart hurts for you this morning as I read your honest post. I am so sorry for your tired and lonely heart. It has only been 8 months but a lifetime all the same. Too short a time to get beyond the love that you and Jason shared. There is no getting over him in this grief process, just getting carried through with the Lords help moment by moment. As a mom myself, my heart aches for you and wants to help it not hurt. I can't and I wish I could just give you the biggest hug right now and share some of this pain with you. And yes, you ARE sharing a part of Jesus's pain on the cross as He knew this time would come for you. Take comfort in this Steph, He shares your grief. I am praying for you my sweet friend and those precious kids to find His joy every morning to carry you through each day. The new pictures are beautiful, just as you are sweetie. I do understand to some extent feeling lonely even when surrounded by loved ones. I pray for your weariness to lift so you can breathe easier and with less pain. I know God loves you so so much and is with you. He holds you tight in His arms and in His heart. I love you Stephanie and am upping my prayers for you. May He continue to be your STRENGTH in every breath you take. Love, Love you girl, you are in my heart.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
Hang in there Steph! You have so many people praying for you! I love your honesty. You are inspiring so many people through your words! I am so sorry for what you are going through. But know you are touching lives. Love, Denise
Stephanie, you are doing a wonderful job of holding onto what you know to be true...thru this storm that seems to never end. I am so proud of you. I remember when my derest friend lost her husband and can now say she is thru the fire. You will be too, although that does not help you at this minute in time.
You do know how loved you are first by God Himself...then your family and friends. Just keep posting your struggle b/c God is using your witness for His glory!
I spoke of you at the retreat I did this past weekend..w/tears in my eyes but proudness in my voice (just as if you were my own daughter)
Just like my friend Lisa, maybe you can write a book about this season of life....if anything but a gift to your children.
Hugs and Kisses, Ms Debi
Let's be honest...you just wanted to show off your new hair.
Hey Stephanie, Lots of people know how you feel. We pray daily for you. Check out Will Graves site at Caringbridge. His mother journaled last night and I thought about you and your family when I read it. You are definitely in a "holding pattern" but if you practice the three p's, you'll be ok. God is near. Love you...LauraJo
okay, let's make a pact. the next time you are up at 2:00 am longing to speak with a doctor, ring my bell would you?? pinky swear?
i can't wrap my head around the enormity of jason's illness and death but i do know science. it's concrete and objective. it's explainable. you can process it. i'm your woman for those type of conversations. i know we've chatted about it ad nauseaum but let's chat about it some more if it gives you comfort :)
i know you feel like your progression through grief has been halted in quicksand but all of us see you blossoming into your own. hold tight, my friend.
much much love,
heather
Stephanie-
You and I have never met, but I was directed to your site recently. I lost my husband December 21, 2008. I have gotten so much encouragement from reading your blogs. Each time I read, I'm amazed at the similarities in our feelings. Hearing your frustration, sadness, and other ranges of emotions has made me feel as though I'm not going totally crazy. Just yesterday, I told a friend I was doing pretty well. I had told her a couple weeks ago that I felt that I was "stuck" in my grief. So, after telling her that I was doing ok, I was hit like a ton of bricks this morning when I woke up to the 3 month anniversary of my husband's death. So, while I don't know you personally, I feel that I can relate to your situation. I have 3 small children as well. Please feel free, if you have the chance, and can put up with the emotional side of it, to check out my blog at www.mythreekids.wordpress.com. Keep up the great blogging. I, and many others, it seems, have so appreciated it. Sandi Tarapchak
Oh Stephanie how my heart hurts for you. While I can not imagine the pain of losing ones spouse, I did lose my Sweet Daddy 2 years ago this April. The grief process is a strange thing. It does get easier, but sometimes even now it will be like a punch in the stomach. You are so blessed that as a Christian, you can REST in Jesus arms and fell the Peace that passes all understanding. I am going to say a special prayer for you each day this week. Take Care Girlfriend, Renee
Stephanie, I know you are tired. I know it's hard to see it now, but it will get better. It's just not something you can "get over". It will always be there, but will, in time, be easier to deal with. My father-in-law passed away 2 years ago. He had multiple myeloma, but it was cardiac arrest that got him, too. I thought it was from the dialysis, but that may be a common thread with cancer. I pray for you every day. I have shared your story with Mama and Randy and they are praying for you also. Mama has been through every stage of grief possible over the last 12 years. She might could be of some comfort to you. If you want to talk to her, let me know and I can give you her number. She is technically still in the 80's...she has never been online! Your friend, Jan
I don't know really how I came upon your blog, but I know I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you for allowing me the blessing to be able to do that.
I totally appreciate your honesty and know that it must be difficult to function from day-to-day at times. I'm glad your faith is so strong, it's an encouragement to others and their walks to know that you can praise God in the midst of pain. Praying for you. kim
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