Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Steph, it's all good!

My Lord never ceases to amaze me. He always gives me a time of JOY before I am blindsided by some part of grief that I wasn't expecting. I think that has been one of the things that has surprised me the most about the whole grief process. Some moments I am doing ok and then out of no where something hits me and I am paralyzed for a time with my pain. The past few days is the perfect example.

I was able to spend the weekend with my great friends Laney, Amy and Macy in Memphis at Macy's house. Remember, SLAM? (Stephanie, Laney, Amy and Macy...we've been friends since middle school.) Anyway, we had a fabulous time. Laughter is always such great medicine. I think we are probably very obnoxious to others, but we haven't grown weary of laughing at the same memories over and over again. AND there have been new memories as well.


We are dressed in pink boas because we had tickets to see Broadway's Legally Blonde at the Orpheum in Memphis. Let's just say we were stopped several times in downtown Memphis by onlookers thinking we were celebrating someones birthday or a bachelorette party. We've never been known for drawing attention to ourselves! ha!

I was very excited to see the kids on Sunday, but while driving home the loss of Jason crept in again. I knew I was returning to my reality of life without him. Then on Monday evening late I went to the mailbox to get the mail. When I opened the mailbox, I knew immediately what the long tube held. Jason's diploma. Remember, Jason was 4 months from graduating with a masters degree in nurse anesthesia when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember thinking so many times during Jason's battle with leukemia...so close yet so far away! However, Wolford College so graciously bestowed a posthumous degree to honor the work Jason did.

I opened the mailing tube with with a very sick feeling in my stomach. There it was...all of his hard work printed on a piece of paper. Immediately I thought in my flesh, "what a waste." I allowed myself to have a pity party for Jason and myself. Other thoughts such as, "all that work for nothing...he'll never even reap the benefits of all he did." In my selfishness I even thought, "I'll never reap the benefits of all the sacrifices we made for this piece of paper." Ouch. I am certainly not proud of those thoughts, but just being honest. As I sat there looking at the diploma with tears flowing down my face, it was as if the Lord spoke very clearly to me. "Stephanie, Jason IS reaping the benefits...just not the benefits you are thinking. He is reaping eternal benefits!" Wow.

I am so very proud of Jason and IF by chance Jason saw me last night opening his diploma, he would have said to me, "Steph, it's all good!" It is more than good for him now and one day it WILL be good for me again. Right now, I'll continue to trust in my Lord's sovereignty and believe that He will continue to work this pain for good!



One last thing...I am SO overwhelmed by the many emails I received in my inbox after my last entry. Please be patient with me as I intend to answer each one. I am so very humbled by so many that continue to walk with me through this journey. You'll never know how very encouraged I am by your prayers and presence. May God bless you all!

10 comments:

Amy said...

O.K., see, I don't like that I didn't know you were hit with all of that after our weekend together. But, it is all good. And, I am so thankful that even in your grief, you are able to get back to that reality.

Also, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Ally's face in the picture of all the kids. I will be coming back to look at it periodically when I need a good smile. And, I see that Anna Lea liked her new outfit. Great.

I'm jealous that you've already made your post. I haven't even uploaded pictures much less written about them. Maybe soon.

Love you,
Amy

Anonymous said...

I agree 100% with Amy on that look Ally is giving. I love it. She cracked me up the minute I saw her.

Praying for more joy filled days ahead.

Love you,
Kristen

her said...

wow! isn't it just like God to make us come down from our pitty parties....our maryter style of life...God is so good!

Really glad you had a great time w/the gal pals!

The kids look great too! The first thing I noticed in the pic was Ally & that look on her face! She is a hoot!

Joy, Ms Debi

The Metz Family said...

Steph-
Ive said a million times, and Ill say once more. You are awesome. Thanks for giving me a wonderful start to my day with your entry.
Love!!!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Sweet Stephanie,

I just love reading how God is working so personally, one on one in your life. He cares for every detail doesn't He? It is so clear to me from here that He is guiding your path and I just know wonderful blessings are ahead for you and these precious kids. I am so glad you had a good time with the girls. We all need to kick back and just get silly with laughter, it is so healing for the soul. It keeps us grounded in knowing that joy comes in the morning. I love you and will continue to pray you through my sweet friend.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Anonymous said...

Our thoughts and prayers conitune to be with you everyday! Those pictures are priceless! Your kids are beautiful, as you are. Thank you so much for reminding us that God is in control and that whatever the outcome, it is still good. We love you and will contiune to pray.

Carly Winborne said...

stephanie,

i know this is random, but...

have you done the beth moore study on Esther? if not, you would love it.

i started it back in january and each week SOMETHING that i learn reminds me of you. you are so much like esther in how you are handling everything on your plate. you are such a gifted example in many ways.

you are in my prayers daily.

PS: that face of ally's in that picture is priceless. you know jason's cracking up about that one!

Always a Southern Girl said...

Grief is a very strange process isn't it? I am glad that you have such great friends to help you through. God is good!--Prayers, Renee

Anonymous said...

Stephanie - this is the third or fourth time I have read your last two "therapy sessions" - and all I can say is WOW - what a powerful Christian young woman you are. Thank you for continuing to bless my life in the valley of your deep sorrow. My prayer is that your faith will continue to sustain you til you, once again, find a place of absolute joy. Those precious children just simply make me smile. JM & Peggy are so fortunate to have ya'll right there. Please continue to share. Love and prayers, carolyn laster

Anonymous said...

Hey Steph,
I don't know your email so I thought I'd comment on here.
My first thoughts when seeing his diploma (after a deep breath) was congradulations, Jason. He was always the smartest, strongest, best of us. My next thought seeing his stone was exactly the same thing. Congradulations, Jason. Miss you bud. Email me sometime Steph (ggillespie@nmhs.net) if you get a chance.

Tripp