Steph, it's all good!

My Lord never ceases to amaze me. He always gives me a time of JOY before I am blindsided by some part of grief that I wasn't expecting. I think that has been one of the things that has surprised me the most about the whole grief process. Some moments I am doing ok and then out of no where something hits me and I am paralyzed for a time with my pain. The past few days is the perfect example.

I was able to spend the weekend with my great friends Laney, Amy and Macy in Memphis at Macy's house. Remember, SLAM? (Stephanie, Laney, Amy and Macy...we've been friends since middle school.) Anyway, we had a fabulous time. Laughter is always such great medicine. I think we are probably very obnoxious to others, but we haven't grown weary of laughing at the same memories over and over again. AND there have been new memories as well.

We are dressed in pink boas because we had tickets to see Broadway's Legally Blonde at the Orpheum in Memphis. Let's just say we were stopped several times in downtown Memphis by onlookers thinking we were celebrating someones birthday or a bachelorette party. We've never been known for drawing attention to ourselves! ha!

I was very excited to see the kids on Sunday, but while driving home the loss of Jason crept in again. I knew I was returning to my reality of life without him. Then on Monday evening late I went to the mailbox to get the mail. When I opened the mailbox, I knew immediately what the long tube held. Jason's diploma. Remember, Jason was 4 months from graduating with a masters degree in nurse anesthesia when he was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember thinking so many times during Jason's battle with leukemia...so close yet so far away! However, Wolford College so graciously bestowed a posthumous degree to honor the work Jason did.

I opened the mailing tube with with a very sick feeling in my stomach. There it was...all of his hard work printed on a piece of paper. Immediately I thought in my flesh, "what a waste." I allowed myself to have a pity party for Jason and myself. Other thoughts such as, "all that work for nothing...he'll never even reap the benefits of all he did." In my selfishness I even thought, "I'll never reap the benefits of all the sacrifices we made for this piece of paper." Ouch. I am certainly not proud of those thoughts, but just being honest. As I sat there looking at the diploma with tears flowing down my face, it was as if the Lord spoke very clearly to me. "Stephanie, Jason IS reaping the benefits...just not the benefits you are thinking. He is reaping eternal benefits!" Wow.

I am so very proud of Jason and IF by chance Jason saw me last night opening his diploma, he would have said to me, "Steph, it's all good!" It is more than good for him now and one day it WILL be good for me again. Right now, I'll continue to trust in my Lord's sovereignty and believe that He will continue to work this pain for good!

One last thing...I am SO overwhelmed by the many emails I received in my inbox after my last entry. Please be patient with me as I intend to answer each one. I am so very humbled by so many that continue to walk with me through this journey. You'll never know how very encouraged I am by your prayers and presence. May God bless you all!