Leaning on Everlasting Arms

(Recent photos of the kids before VBS two mornings)

I have sat down to blog over the last several days (usually late at night), but each time I would begin I just couldn't do it. It's been a very busy week because of Vacation Bible School, which was great, but it has also been a very difficult week for me. I say often that grief is really tricky and the last 10 days have been just that. I had just told my good friend Mary Margaret last Friday that I really felt I was doing so much better emotionally. Anyway, I can recognize several factors causing this week to be rough, but I think a lot of it is the fact that we are approaching July 12th. A year.

Last Sunday our pastor preached a sermon on raising children. As I sat and listened I became so overwhelmed with the task before me in raising my children without their daddy. I was so overwhelmed that the tears began to flow and I couldn't stop them. I kept asking the Lord, "how can I do this alone?" The responsibility is tremendous. This week I was reminded of something someone told me once..."if He calls you to it, He'll equip you to do it." My Lord has called me to a life without my husband so once again I must trust that He'll equip me to raise these children without him. I hurt deeply as I listened to our pastor talk about how important it was for a daddy to "date" his daughter(s) in order to prepare them on how they were to be treated one day. Jason was so good at spending one on one time with Anna Lea and did it quite frequently. (Unfortunately, he never really got to do this with Ally.) Once again my heart broke as I thought about Anna Lea and Ally not having their daddy model to them how a man should treat a woman. During the invitation it was as if the Lord quietly whispered in my heart, "I will be the father to the fatherless..." (Psalm 68:5 - "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.") What a promise! How I am clinging to this very promise right now!

I have been following several individuals who had been battling AML over the last year and a half. Over the last 2 weeks, three of these individuals have lost their battle with this nasty disease. On Tuesday night, I learned that yet another one of them relapsed for a 3rd time. Once again my heart broke. I hurt so deeply for these families as I know the dark valley they will have to walk through in the coming days. As I thought about their loss as well as my own, I began to ponder God's ways. Once again, I was reminded His ways are NOT our ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

His thoughts are so much HIGHER than ours. I believe with everything within me that He is sovereign and that ultimately His plan is far better than mine. If I don't believe that then I might as well pull the covers over my head and not ever get out of bed. He is my ONLY hope! Why did Jason Weathers have to die at 33 and leave a wife and 3 small children? I may never know, but one thing I do know is that we were put on this earth for HIS glory. Yes, it hurts deeply. More than I ever thought possible, but through it all He does sustain me. He loves me with an everlasting love even when I question His ways.

There have been moments this week that I have thought I can't possibly take this pain anymore... only to be encouraged by a text message, facebook message, or friends for lunch/dinner. I am SO blessed to have such GREAT friends who never seem to grow weary of their 'needy' friend these days. Our Lord is using all of these ways to keep me going and for that I am so incredibly thankful.

A friend of mine and Jason's sent me an email the other day with the lyrics to a song that blessed me so much. Indeed I needed these words at the very moment he sent them, too. (Another way God worked.) I want to share them with you, but I also want you to hear the song. Please click on the link...HERE

The video that goes with the song isn't all that great, but the song is so good.

The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness

I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken

I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue

With our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground using our hands

To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

Higher mountains have come down (my FAVORITE part!)