His sovereignty

Not a long entry tonight...just wanted to share something I have read and re-read and certainly can cling to each and every day. Before I begin, thank you for still hanging with me on this blog. I'd really like to write more, but with 3 kids, time just doesn't permit. Usually when I do sit down to write, it is after 10:00 p.m. My eyes begin to fail me at this point of the day! I will say it is still an incredible blessing to me that you still share in my journey. I do joke about this being therapy for me, but it really is such a great outlet for me.

As I look back over the last year and a half, I stand amazed at the journey. I stand amazed at our Lord! His hand at work still blows my mind even in my deepest pain. Last week I spent some time with one of my very best friends, who lives out of town. God bless her for her faithfulness to me each and EVERY time I text or call, which has been numerous over the last 11 months especially. We had spent almost the entire day together when she commented on how we both had made it through the day without a major breakdown. Please don't misunderstand...the loss of Jason and his memory was discussed continually. I was somewhat taken back and even asked her if she thought that was normal.

I knew the answer to that question, but for a brief moment I was somewhat worried. Why would I worry about this? It is yet just another way of how my God is ever present and is continually healing and mending my heart. I still miss Jason more than words can express and sometimes my emotions are all over the map, but He remains faithful and His grace is always sufficient.

I know after Jason died, but less and less now, I would replay every medical decision during his illness and especially the last 4 days of his life. I would allow myself to play the "what if" game. You know the game.
What if MD Anderson or UAB would have done this or that?
What if I would have insisted that he stay in the hospital with the pneumonia?
What if I would have stayed with Jason on the day he went into cardiac arrest rather than taking the kids swimming?
You get the point. I have had to take these thoughts captive each and every time. Not only have I had to take each thought captive, I've had to say aloud, "Lord, I trust your sovereignty."

The excerpt below is taken from Beth Moore's, Praying God's Word:
My God is in heaven, He does whatever pleases Him. (Psalm 115:3) Lord, sometimes my only answer will be that You are sovereign. Your word says that the death of Your saints is absolutely precious to You. (Psalm 116:15) One day I will have the answers. Until then, I must trust that You have power and dominion over all things and that You know best. Help me to believe this even when I don't feel this.

Regardless if any of those "what if" questions could be answered differently, my God is in complete control. NONE of what we endured while Jason was sick took Him by surprise. I love the last sentence of the excerpt. There have been many days that just saying that I trusted His sovereignty has been tough. However, IF I can't cling to His sovereignty then I might as well throw in the towel. Praise God He always shows up during these moments of little faith and gives me just a small glimpse of His sovereign hand. One day we'll all know why we have to endure such pain on earth, but until then may we all trust that through it all His will is being accomplished --- to become more like Him! Oh, that because of this journey, I'd look a little more like Jesus.