wedding fun!
Lindsay, Anna Lea and Jon Brent prior to wedding
all the cousins at rehearsal dinner for Haley and Daniel
Jon Brent, Haley and Anna Lea at rehearsal dinner
all the cousins at Haley and Daniel's weddingIt's been over a week since I visited therapy here on my blog. Not necessarily because I didn't need it, but really because things have been SUPER busy the last 2 weeks. Jon Brent and Anna Lea had the incredible honor of being in 2 weddings over the last 2 weekends. The first weekend was Jason's first cousin, Lindsay and her groom, Robert. The second was my sister in law Ashley's brother, Daniel and his bride, Haley. Both weddings were beautiful and we felt blessed to have been a part of both. I must confess it is a little stressful when your kids are in a wedding. My fear was that my sweet little innocent children (Ha and bigger ha!) would somehow ruin the big day! God is good...and prayers were answered...along with a bribe of a brand new bike if they did exactly what they were supposed to do! Sorry to those who disagree with bribing your children...sometimes it is necessary and usually always works. :)
Last Monday after Lindsay and Robert's wedding and a week before Haley and Daniel's wedding, Ally started to run an unexplained fever. At the time of the onset of fever she had no other symptoms other than the fever. No out of the ordinary fussiness which usually signals to me an ear infection. I don't think I mentioned this in previous entries, but 2 weeks before she did the exact same thing. So, when the fever returned so quickly I began to panic. Now, let me explain...
Fever in one of my children prior to Jason's illness would have never greatly concerned me, but since we discovered Jason's leukemia by an unexplained fever, I must confess I now have great anxiety anytime the thermometer says anything over 100.6. Monday's fever shook me to the core. Fear totally overcame me. I was scared and anxious to the point of feeling paralyzed. I called my dad and thankfully he answered. My mom had gone out of town for the day and I just needed to express my concern to someone. Immediately when I heard his voice on the phone, I fell apart. He reminded me that I was drawing conclusions to something that wasn't necessarily there. He was right, but I was scared. Really scared. I started feeling like I did the days leading up to Jason's official diagnosis. My mind was going places it shouldn't be going. I wanted to cry out to the Lord, but I literally felt paralyzed.
Fear is a crazy emotion we experience. God's word tell us many times over and over not to fear. I was in sin that Monday. I allowed thoughts in my mind that I should have taken captive to the Lord. A few minutes after I called my dad he called me back and told me that my pediatrician would be calling my cell soon. That's what dad's do...they fix things for their children! He was trying to 'fix' this for me. My sweet pediatrician did call about 5 minutes later and instructed me to come in right after lunch. He calmed me down some and told me that he would do a CBC (complete blood count) just to ease my fears.
One o'clock couldn't come soon enough for me. He examined her and said her ears were perfect, but her throat was a little red. He thought for sure this was something viral again, but a CBC would be done to rule out what I was fearing the most. As I waited for them to draw her blood and then wait for the results, I held her and thought to myself, "how in the world will I get through this if my sweet baby Ally has abnormal blood work?" Satan was having a hay day as I had given him a foot hold into my heart and mind. The lab tech could see the fear in my eyes and she tried to calm me down. I apologized for being so fearful. She knew that Jason had died of leukemia and she completely understood how I could be so apprehensive over an unexplained body temperature. I watched every move she made in the lab with Ally's blood. Unfortunately, I had seen this process way too many times. I knew exactly how long it would take to get results. I knew how she would put the blood in a machine and after a few minutes a report would come out of the printer. I watched that printer like a hawk. I saw her look at the results and immediately she looked at my with a smile..."she has plenty of platelets and she is not even close to being anemic!" Low platelets and low red blood cells, which causes anemia, often can mean something is seriously wrong with the blood.
Fear is a crazy emotion we experience. God's word tell us many times over and over not to fear. I was in sin that Monday. I allowed thoughts in my mind that I should have taken captive to the Lord. A few minutes after I called my dad he called me back and told me that my pediatrician would be calling my cell soon. That's what dad's do...they fix things for their children! He was trying to 'fix' this for me. My sweet pediatrician did call about 5 minutes later and instructed me to come in right after lunch. He calmed me down some and told me that he would do a CBC (complete blood count) just to ease my fears.
One o'clock couldn't come soon enough for me. He examined her and said her ears were perfect, but her throat was a little red. He thought for sure this was something viral again, but a CBC would be done to rule out what I was fearing the most. As I waited for them to draw her blood and then wait for the results, I held her and thought to myself, "how in the world will I get through this if my sweet baby Ally has abnormal blood work?" Satan was having a hay day as I had given him a foot hold into my heart and mind. The lab tech could see the fear in my eyes and she tried to calm me down. I apologized for being so fearful. She knew that Jason had died of leukemia and she completely understood how I could be so apprehensive over an unexplained body temperature. I watched every move she made in the lab with Ally's blood. Unfortunately, I had seen this process way too many times. I knew exactly how long it would take to get results. I knew how she would put the blood in a machine and after a few minutes a report would come out of the printer. I watched that printer like a hawk. I saw her look at the results and immediately she looked at my with a smile..."she has plenty of platelets and she is not even close to being anemic!" Low platelets and low red blood cells, which causes anemia, often can mean something is seriously wrong with the blood.
"PRAISE JESUS, " I said out loud! As I drove out of the parking lot, I was still so emotional, but this time I was grieved with how I must have disappointed my Savior on this day. Worry and fear had consumed me. I was quickly reminded of the passage of scripture in Philippians 4.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things."
NO thought I had that day fit any of those criteria set in Phillipians. The peace of God couldn't rule in my life that Monday because neither my heart nor my mind was being guarded by the Lord. Oh, how I confessed this to Him and pleaded for forgiveness. My God is good and always faithful. Why did I doubt for one second His love for me or His faithfulness? He has been nothing but faithful over the last year.
I have been told by several individuals that what I experienced last Monday was common for those who have just lived through what we've lived through, however, I SO wish I would not have allowed fear to dictate my heart and mind. Leukemia has changed me, but I don't ever want it to grip me like it gripped me last week. I am so incredibly thankful for God's word. I am so thankful for my Savior's unconditional love for me...even when I am in sin, He loves me with an unbelievable love.
I do feel as if my Lord is in the process of healing my broken heart, but I still have moments of incredible sadness because my sweet Jason is no longer with me. I do know this for certain...I am still holding on tightly to my Lord and PRAISE Him, He is continuing to hold tightly to me! Tonight as I was doing prayer time with Jon Brent he prayed a very simple prayer. It went like this:
"Jesus, I miss my daddy. Will you tell him hey? Amen." Of course, tears fell from my eyes immediately, but when I looked at Jon Brent, he was smiling. I have no idea whether or not if a greeting from Jon Brent will be given to Jason by our Lord, but I know this...Jon Brent was smiling. A smile as if to say, I miss my daddy, but Jesus can make it better. Oh, the faith these precious children of mine are teaching me during this time. Tonight I will learn from Jon Brent...Jesus, I trust you as I know you can and will make it better! To You be the glory!
"Jesus, I miss my daddy. Will you tell him hey? Amen." Of course, tears fell from my eyes immediately, but when I looked at Jon Brent, he was smiling. I have no idea whether or not if a greeting from Jon Brent will be given to Jason by our Lord, but I know this...Jon Brent was smiling. A smile as if to say, I miss my daddy, but Jesus can make it better. Oh, the faith these precious children of mine are teaching me during this time. Tonight I will learn from Jon Brent...Jesus, I trust you as I know you can and will make it better! To You be the glory!
13 comments:
I love Philippians 4! What a great chapter! Thanks for the reminder AND the ugly cry. Jon Brent is just too precious for words - could eat him up! Love, STM
just want you to know we're praying still for you and yours. thanks for sharing your heart :-)
Beautiful post. Visually and emotionally
Oh Stephanie,
How the Lord understands your heart over your children and knows how fear can creep in. I am sure He was smiling down on you with His loving heart and not disappointed in you one tiny bit. We just disappoint ourselves many times. I am so thankful that your heart was put to rest and Jesus holds you all tight to Himself. I love the pictures of all the cousins, beautiful kids!! I think about you so often and it is good to come here this morning and see you here. I love you and pray often for you as you heal sweetie.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
Stephanie, loved your honesty & the pictures of your beautiful children. Right now I'm doing a Bible Study by Jennifer Rothchild called "Me, Myself, and Lies." It's about cleaning out our "thought closets." It has been a great study & quite challenging as we look at our "thoughts" that shouldn't be allowed to stay in our "thought closet." I'm sure God understood your fear perfectly & lovingly. Don't be too hard on yourself--fear is something I've fought all my life, especially where my family is concerned. But, everytime fear seems to overtake me, I remember how faithful God has been to me in the past & how very much He loves me in the present. With his help, the fear always passes. One of Mother's favorite sayings, which she repeats to me pretty often, is "This, too, shall pass!" And, she's right, it does.
Still praying for you & your children all the time--all of you remain on our discipleship class prayer list.
Have a blessed week!
Janice Martin
Steph, You are such a wonderful Mother. It's normal to worry about your children and after what you've been thru there's going to be those days that you have to be assured things are okay. That's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. Our Lord loves you just as you are and he understands these little questionings. You are doing a wonderful job with the children and deserve a big "atta girl".
sending love, hugs, and prayers
Elane Phillips
Stephanie, if you makes you feel any better, I can somewhat understand your feelings on this. One of my very best friends in the world died while I was in college. He was a friend from high school. He got sick on a Wednesday, went to bed early, and never woke up. He died the following Friday morning. It was menengitis. He was basically dead that night when he went to sleep early. For the longest time after he died, if anyone told me they had a sore neck and were sick, I had a total meltdown. It is better now, but I still worry about it. Still praying for you.
Love,
Christy
It's not bribery.....it's called an incentive!!! :)
I learn so many lessons through your own experiences through these posts. Thank you for always opening up your life to all of us as we try to walk with Christ. Beautiful post; thank you for writing.
Stephanie, you don't know me but I learned of the Caring Bridge site from Dr. Madaris last summer when I took an MBA course under him at Carey. (Actually, he only had us one class since he was being treated at MD Anderson but as far as I'm concerned, he's still my prof)I have followed both blogs and am encouraged and inspired by your strength. Dec 16, 2008 my brother was killed during a hunting accident and because of your testimony, our family's walk with God is stronger and more dependent on Him to help us get through the many "firsts" that each of us face - parents, wife, children, brother & sister, nieces & nephews - each different but yet the same. You are a remarkable woman of faith and your children are blessed to have a Godly mother.
stephanie you're amazing! you continue to make me think about my faith every time i read your words. hope ally is feeling better!
ellen (wimberly) carr
I say if bribery works on the kiddies, well why not try it right!
Also hope little Ally is doing much better.
Have a great weekend. The kids look darling in their wedding clothes!
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