I did something today that I never thought I'd be doing at this phase of my life. This afternoon I took Anna Lea to pick out something for Jason's grave that had a Christmas look to it. Today as we walked the aisle of the store looking, Anna Lea would blurt out, "mom, this would look good on daddy's grave." We got a few stares. I tried to shh Anna Lea because I hate to make people uncomfortable. I am sure it must have been an awkward moment for a couple of shoppers who were close enough to hear Anna Lea. It isn't everyday that you see a young child picking out something for their daddy's grave at Christmas.
As we drove away from store and headed to cemetary Anna Lea asked me, "mom, why did daddy HAVE to die?" She has asked me this many times before, but as it does me, the question obviously lingers in her mind. I usually try and give her the "church" answer..."God chose to heal him by taking him to heaven - God is in control - He is receiving the glory because of it -we may never know the real reason, but we trust Him..." She got none of those responses today. My response this afternoon was simple, "I really don't know, Anna Lea."
I really don't know nor do I pretend to know why God would see fit to remove Jason from this earth. I don't know why he didn't see fit for him to be able to raise these innocent children. I don't know why he didn't allow Jason to graduate from Anesthesia school when he was literally months from finishing. His ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine. I have to wake up each and every morning and tell myself, "Stephanie, God is sovereign and you trust Him!" Sometimes I have to tell myself this several times a day.
As we left the cemetary I had the radio on a Christian radio station. The song Yours by Steven Curtis Chapman was playing. I wasn't really paying attention to the song as I have heard it on numerous times. As the tears flowed, I heard new lyrics to this song. Many of you probably remember that he recently lost his daughter in a very tragic accident. Apparently after the death of his daughter, he wrote new lyrics for the end of the song. Read below...
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even herein this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you.
How I wish I could write like that! It's like he has read my prayer journal...
The song goes on to say:
And it’s all Yours God, Yours God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky to the depths of the ocean floor
And it’s all Yours God, Yours God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power, the glory and splendor and majesty
God It’s all Yours, God (all gifts are Yours)
It’s all Yours, God (all our dreams are yours)
It’s all Yours, God (all our plans are Yours, God)
It’s all Yours, God (this whole earth is Yours, God)
As I have hurt today not only for myself, but for so many others facing such loss and pain this Christmas season, this song was a gentle reminder of our reality. The reality is that this earth is not ours. Our family is not ours. Our homes are not ours. Our dreams, plans, material possessions... ALL belong to Him. We are but a vapor on this earth and Praise God this is NOT it! There is something far greater for us beyond this life.
I belong to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am His. That is such an overwhelming thought. He is with me even now in my deepest despair. I pray I never get over that amazing reality.
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8 comments:
One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving...ps 62:11-12
praying...ms g
stephanie- this gives me chills to read this! Ok it is 1:51 in the morning, and I could not sleep, i woke up with this song in my head singing those words over and over "Its all yours God!" I decided to get on the computer because there was nothing else to do,(any normal person would still be asleep) and I read this! You have been such a great inspiration to me! praying for you and your family daily!
Lara
Stephanie, thank you so much this morning for your reminder that we are all God's. I was awake most of the night with concerns for my children, and up earlier than usual because of that, and your "therapy session" was exactly what I needed to hear. God is using you in incredible ways, though I, too, have a very difficult time understanding His plan in taking Jason from all of you. I just have enough faith to know that there is a good reason, which, hopefully, you, the children, Peggy, JM, Brad and all of your extended family can know one day. My prayers continue for all of you each and every single day. Thank you again for your powerful words of wisdom. Always on my heart and in my prayers, carolyn laster
Sweet Stephanie,
I just love Anna Lea's spirit you describe as you spent this precious time finding the perfect item for Jason's grave. And as a grandma now, I have to say that if people get uncomfortable with the honesty of a childs heart, then it was meant for them to hear it and think about how they would handle being in your shoes. I am sure they went home and thought it over and will for some time. God uses children to show us how to keep it simple and honest. And your response to her today was the most real one that she probably "gets" at her age, "I really don't know" is the honest to Gods truth. I am sorry this is long but you know me:) One more thing I want to share is a thought I read on a post today.
"Sometimes it is in the silence of the answers that Christ speaks the loudest. Maybe, just maybe there is no answer, it is just what it is, His will." Once again, this tells me that "It's All Yours, God"
I love you girl and am praying for you daily. And "someone" needed to hear what Anna Lea had to say today. Please try not to shush her, it's her ministry right now.
Laurie
Excellent word. Prayers offered here, as they often are on y'all's behalf.
And your answer to Anna Lea is utterly correct. She'll catch up to the theology later, but for now, please keep teaching them that "I don't know why" is a biblically correct answer. I spent a bunch of years thinking my faith was inferior & thus I was inferior because I kept landing on "I don't know wny Dad died" in my ponderings. What a relief to discover that "I don't know" can be a faith-filled answer.
Press on through *this* day, my friend.
With love, prayers, & hope,
Mike Madaris
I LOVE that song. And, I didn't really "hear" the words of that last verse until driving to Hattiesburg last Saturday. They are wonderful words from someone who has hurt so deeply.
I believe that "I don't know why" is a wonderful answer for our children to so many different questions. But, certainly her question. I'm so glad she talks to you about her questions.
Love you, Amy
Stephanie,
I was moved by your post today. Too many times we get so busy and so caught up in life that we forget that simple message. Still praying for you and your precious children.
Amen sweetie, Amen!
You are loved and prayed for.
PS. I agree w/Laurie in California...concerning Anna Lea, her words may have ministered to that person today. If only to soften that persons heart to hear the very voice of God!
Joy, Debi O.
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