Unfailing Love

I was working around the house the other night after the kids went to bed. As I worked, I decided to listen to my IPod. A song came on that I had not heard in quite some time by Chris Tomlin entitled Unfailing Love. Here are the lyrics. Listen here.

You have my heart and I am yours forever
You are my strength, God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
(Chorus)
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God you remain
The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock the One I hold onto
You are my song and I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change,
God you remain The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love

It is a beautiful song with such simple lyrics. I spent time recently reading through old emails. I came across so many emails that I had sent and others had sent me during the 7 months of Jason's battle with leukemia. As I read through those emails, I was filled with so many emotions. Obviously, sadness engulfed me, but one other emotion that took hold of me was thankfulness to our Lord. Most of the emails I sent were all sent at a very low and dark times. I was writing most of my prayers, thoughts and feelings on the caringbridge site, but some things I kept between close friends and family. Read below a portion of an email I sent out to a few friends the day that Jason went for his first consult at MD Anderson. A little background information...Jason had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for a total of 6.5 weeks. He was released from the hospital on a Sunday and exactly 5 days later I was admitted to the hospital to deliver sweet baby Ally. Jason left for Houston when Ally was 7 days old. Whew! My hormones and emotions were running wild! Read email below. Written on March 3, 2008 at 2:16 p.m.

Dear Friends,
Ok... here I am again. Needing prayer... that's all I am good for these days. Jason in Houston now. He had a pretty bad a.m. and is having or just had the biopsy as I type this email. I am thankful that his dad and brother are with him. He heard the very scary talk today from docs and others about the transplant and all that could possibly take place from that. Not sure how much any of you have read on bone marrow transplants, but it is a very risky procedure. Lots of complications can occur and it isn't always a "sure" thing as far as even engrafting to his body.

I've read where some patients have to have many transplants. Oh, how I pray we're not in that category. I am so tired and emotional right now that I know that me being in Houston would have been a disaster, but oh I wish I was there to comfort him after hearing all the bad he heard this a.m. I have read TONS on bone marrow transplants, but Jason has chosen to stay in dark and I guess I can't blame him if it helps him to get through this time. However, he heard it today. Dr. Bellare and I both warned him that what he'd hear today would scare him and it did. I know they have to tell you the worse case scenario, too.

Dr. Champlin told him he needed a transplant ASAP - possibly even by the end of the month. Hopefully in about 10 days we will hear if there is an initial match. Please pray that there is a perfect match. Un-related matches are even riskier than related match (meaning brother/sister). We were hopeful that he'd be able to finish school while awaiting transplant, but doc in Houston says that isn't possible right now. He says he'll have to continue treatment every so many weeks until a match is found. That is so hard on his body and I can't even imagine how he could physically do it several more times. Very disappointing in so many ways to say the least. He is so close to finishing school. Of course, that means that much longer we are not employed and have no income. That stresses me out a little, too. Trying not to focus on $ b/c I just want my husband well. We'll figure out $ later. Oh, and to top it off, $500,000 is the what they said transplant would cost. Yikes. Anyway, I am rambling right now b/c that is how everything in my head is ... all jumbled up.

Please just pray for me emotionally right now. Obviously, pray for Jason, too. Pray for a perfect match. Pray for J mentally, too. I know he is totally overwhelmed right now. I can't even imagine what it is like for him. Pray for logistics of having to temporarily relocate to Houston, which causes me GREAT anxiety. Literally. Not knowing if my kids can come or how often I'll see them makes me sick to my stomach. Finding a place to live and how we'll pay for that is a need, too. I know God is in control, but I feel as if everything is caving in around me right now. I know this isn't too big for him. I mentally know all of his promises, but my heart isn't grasping them right this minute. I assume these are all very normal emotions that I am feeling. Having just had a baby probably makes me even more emotional, too. Darn hormones. I need my husband well. Our precious children need him well. Oh, how I pray that the Lord's plan is to heal him. I am not sure how I will make it if it isn't a part of his perfect plan.

Wow. Just reading this email again brings back so many feelings, yet I see His hand so clearly now, but in some ways I couldn't see Him then. I see His provisions for us as I look back. He didn't make a way for a match immediately. He didn't arrange housing in Houston. He didn't provide many of the needs I mentioned above because our Sovereign Lord knew that on July 12, 2008, his battle on earth with this disease would come to an end. He didn't meet those needs in our time because His time is different. His ways are not our ways, but regardless He WAS so faithful the entire time. He was working in ways I couldn't see or even imagine and although we so badly wanted God to heal Jason through a transplant, God had a different plan.

Now back to the song I posted at the beginning of this post. His unfailing love never ceases to amaze me. He never changes. Even when I couldn't grasp his promises, they were still true! He was and IS my strength...God of grace and power. He is my unfailing love. I continue to stand in awe of who He is and how He works. May I never get over Him!