Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Happy Birthday, sweet Jason

November 12th, Jason would have turned 35. I miss him so much that sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Although the pain is not as sharp as it once was, it is still there. It is with me everywhere I go. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I go to work, when I come home from work, when with the kids, when without the kids...it's always there. I guess it always will be. The grace of our Lord continues to amaze me. It is His grace that gets me through each day...He even provides moments of joy. It's so hard to understand how I can experience joy, yet at the same time feel such sadness over not having Jason in my life. The only way I can attempt to wrap my head around it is to say...BUT God! He continues to supply my every need and then some.

I hate so badly that we can't celebrate Jason's birthday with him today or ever again on this earth. Yet, it is the HOPE of heaven that our Lord gives us that gives me the assurance that one day we will celebrate with him again. To this promise I cling tightly.

I am so proud of our children that the Lord blessed us with. As much as they tire and wear me down each day, I certainly can't imagine going through this thing called life without them. All 3 of them are doing so well considering they are missing their daddy in their life.

Anna Lea speaks daily of him and I am so thankful she does. She is so precious. Jason would be so proud of how well she has handled all of this. She came downstairs last week after the others had already gone to sleep. I was sitting in the den when she asked, “mom, are you angry that daddy died?” Without hesitation I said, “no, Anna Lea, just very sad.” Immediately I asked her the same question. Without any delay she replied, “no, just sad, too, but I am also very happy that he is happy in heaven.” Wow. My prayers are being answered. You see, I can honestly say that I have never been angry with God over his choosing to take Jason home at 33. I have certainly questioned his ways, but I have chosen to trust His sovereignty. I have prayed over and over that my children would always do the same...with this situation as well as any other hard lessons life throws their way. To hear my sweet daughter say she was happy that her daddy was happy in heaven brought me such joy and comfort. She is learning to trust our Lord at such an early age and for that I am so very thankful.

Jon Brent looks the most like Jason and has so many of his characteristics. Sometimes when he smiles it literally takes my breath away because I can see Jason's smile all over his little face. It totally amazes me how many ways Jon Brent is like his daddy. The way he likes his things just so defined Jason to a tee. Daily my parents and I laugh aloud at something Jon Brent does and then we look at each other and say, “that is Jason.” His memories of his daddy are few, but I am praying daily that somehow, someway he'll remember more than most can remember at his young age. The other day I was putting on make-up in my bathroom when Jon Brent started shouting, “mom, come here, come here!” I went to see what he was needing and discovered a large smile on his face with his finger pointing to the tv. There was a music video that Jason used to play for he and Anna Lea from Nick Jr.'s website. The exact video was being played on tv at that moment. He remembered Jason playing it on the computer for them and how they would all dance around while it played. Jason would do this with the kids almost daily when we lived in Naples. Oh, how I was so sad for Jon Brent at this very moment, but at the same time so excited that he remembered this special time on his own.

And then there is sweet Ally. I have written before how I hurt for her in such a different way than the other two. She is full of life and certainly has a mind of her own! She is the most independent one of the three. She would have made Jason laugh...a lot. Her little personality would have really intrigued him. I am certain there would have been moments of him scratching his head over little Ally, but she would have also had him totally wrapped around her finger. Right now her life is happy and full. She doesn't know the sadness we experience on daily basis. She doesn't remember the months Jason was sick or what life was like shortly after his death. All she knows is that she is loved by all that surround her and for the most part all of her wants are met! (mainly by Nana! :) She knows only of the word 'daddy' because Anna Lea saw to it several months ago that she learn who he was from pictures that are placed all over our house. Sadly she really doesn't know him. She will only know of him. She will only know the things about him that we tell her. I am convinced that she will grow to love who he was, but I hate more than I can express that she will never experience his love on this earth.

As I remember sweet Jason on this his birthday, I am still clinging to my Savior to sustain me. My God has been SO incredibly faithful to me each and everyday. I choose to continue to praise Him for He is so worthy to be praised. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1-2

Happy Birthday, sweet Jason! I pray we are making you proud, but more than that I pray we are making Jesus proud. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and as Anna Lea said so simply...we ARE happy that you are happy in heaven! We can only imagine...

10 comments:

heatherstockett said...

Praying for you all today and every day. I love that Ann Leah is happy that her daddy is happy in Heaven. You are doing a fantastic job raising those 3 beautiful babies. Love you.

The Glenn Gang said...

Tears from Florida but another reminder to pray for your precious family whose calling in life was to walk faithfully even through the dark times. In doing that, your light is shining so bright!

~sydney~ said...

It never fails...every single time I babysit your children, at least one, brings up Mr. Jason. And I can't help but tear up. Ally shows me his pictures all the time. JB talks of how his daddy and Jesus are riding motorcycles in Heaven. And Anna Lea loves showing me all of his old CDs and talking about singing with him. I am so thankful to be a part of your lives and will continue to pray for each of you.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie, still praying for you. You are amazing and your strength has spoken to so many people. I am weeping as I type this, but I needed a reason to let the tears out! Happy Birthday to Jason for your family. I didn't know it was close to Jason's birthday, but I probably won't forget now! I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow. Will be praying for you.
Love,
Christy

The Metz Family said...

Stephanie this post was one of the best ones you have ever written. They are all so beautiful, but this one was special. I feel certain that Jason is so proud of all of you.
I will always think of Jason on his bday...that Mallory shares. Jon Mark told her at a football game once..."You have a very special birthday Mallory." She just nodded her little head and smiled so big at him...like she understood exactly what he meant... it IS special. It was such a sweet moment. Ill never forget it.
I will think of you all tomorrow as you celebrate Jason!!!!!!

the beach bum said...

Great stuff, as always. Still pray for y'all regularly, amiga. Press on!

Anonymous said...

Know that I am praying for an added level of peace for you today. I love each of you very much and am so grateful for the friendship we have built. You are such an amazing witness for our Savior as you continue to allow us to see Him so clearly reflected in your life....blessed be the name of the Lord....

D and T said...

You are so precious to all of us.....but especially to Him (Jesus)! You have walked a journey many of us have not been on, and we watch how amazing God has walked with you. Grief is understood in baby steps, and in miles. Look around to see all the 3 year olds, and there are so many. We had my brother for 3.5 years, and at age 14, I began the walk of grief. He died at Baptist Hospital in Jackson MS in 1971. I have pictured him so many, many times, being taken up to heaven, from that crib in the corner of the room....by Jesus himself. Now joined by my Daddy and other brother. I know that one day we will have a reunion with our Lord and Savior...Mamaw, Benji, Daddy, and Louis! Praise God it makes it a little easier to digest, for me. Love in Christ! Teresa in Naples FL FBCN

Always a Southern Girl said...

Yes we can only imagine the glory of God in heaven. Jason was such a sweet guy! I know ya'll miss him. Praying for you.

bottega said...

be strong ya =) although i dont know u and your family but after i read this i can feel that your family is a happy family. pray the best for all of you.