In the last few days I've felt led to share a little of what God has been doing in my life through my blog. Not that many even still check this site as I have not been a great or even good blogger over the last year or more. Even still I felt the need to write and this is my chosen outlet.
Let me first start off by saying I am still incredibly thankful for God's grace in my life and in the life of the kids since Jason's death. When I look back at His faithfulness to me, I simply have to praise His name. I have no other choice.
Over the last couple of months I have had many good days with rough days being the minority rather than majority. There are still many days filled with great sadness over the loss of sweet Jason, but so many of my days are filled with JOY as well. God's goodness...wow.
I would be withholding the complete truth if I left it at that. About two months ago, I began to deal with fear again. Fear of the future. Fear of how I was going to raise these precious gifts God has given me without Jason. Fear of how I could possibly meet their many needs - their spiritual, emotional and even their short and long term financial needs. I assume the fear was brought on by the start of the new school year and all the demands that come with that. I could almost feel as if I was suffocating at certain moments during the day with the weight of it all. It was as if the enemy was trying to paralyze me. Just FYI...he didn't win, but he certainly didn't give up without a fight.
If those specific fears weren't enough I then began to fear the obvious...what if something happened to me. What if the kids not only had their daddy on this earth, but what if God takes me from their life as well. I would be lying if I said this was the first time I have ever experienced this fear since Jason's death. This time it seemed to take hold of my every thought. When I was alone I would just sit and cry at the very thought of my sweet kids not having either parent on this earth. I was in total sin...in God's word we are commanded to cast out every vain imagination. I was not doing that. Nor was I taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ.
Once again, I began to experience some minor health issues. Those issues only escalated those fears that there was something was really wrong with me thus I could be dying. My very close friends find it quite comical that I can convince myself I have some horrible disease and even though I laugh with them, it is in the quietness of my heart I am totally gripped with fear...too many "what ifs" flood my mind.
I would also be hiding the complete truth if I told you I have only been like this since Jason's death. I was convinced while living in Naples that I was dying of a heart attack on a couple of occasions and if I were being really honest, I would have to admit that we confirmed my pregnancy with Jon Brent because I went to the ER with chest pain. Yes, I might should seek some professional help with all of this, but I get it honestly. My sweet granddaddy who lived well into his 80s before meeting Jesus also had to fight this same battle. :)I say all that to say, I do believe that because of Jason's death this stronghold in my life has intensified greatly.
So...where is my faith in all of this? Glad you asked! You would think after seeing God's faithfulness the last 2 1/2 years that I wouldn't begin to doubt Him now?!? Make no mistake our enemy knows our weaknesses and is seeking to destroy us IF we allow him.
One day last week while I was at work I received an email from my dad. He was simply passing along a caringbridge site of a lady about my age who is the mom to 5 beautiful little girls...she is fighting AML a relapse after a bone marrow transplant. I clicked on the link very reluctantly because I knew just from the little bit of information that he provided in his message that my heart would be broken when I began to read of her battle. I was right. I sat in my office for a few minutes after reading just a few journal entries and cried silently hoping no one would walk in to see the tears puddling on my desk. Thankfully I glanced at the time and realized it was time for me to make the mail run that I do daily at work. I was so very thankful that I could escape to my car and cry freely. I hurt so deeply for this family and as I thought of the pain they were enduring, I felt hopeless. This wasn't the only family I was hurting for as right now I am praying for so many who are having to walk down such dark roads right now. It was just at that moment this sweet mom to 5 who was battling AML pushed my emotions over the edge. I cried out to my Lord...please, come quickly and take all of this pain away from so many.
Right there in the quietness of my car the Father whispered, Be Still and Know that I am God. And as God often does in my life, He used music to minister to my hurting heart. The silence became deafening so I turned on my radio. The very song on the radio was "My Help Comes From the Lord" by The Museum...how appropriate at that very moment of despair.
When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You're the rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can't breathe
You're the love that rescues me
Out of the darkness I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills I feel my faith rise
Maker of heaven giver of life
You are my strength my song in the night
My refuge my shelter now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord
All of the sudden the tears of great anguish turned back to tears of hopefulness and trust. Isn't our God so good like that!?!
This past Friday night I attended a women's conference where Priscilla Shirer was the speaker. I was more than excited to hear what God was going to teach me through this conference. I was not disappointed. With each session I was convinced that her words, which were from God, were meant for just for me. I knew there were 1,500 plus in attendance, but I just knew He had moved mountains just for me to hear from Him. :)
I wish I could write everything He taught me over the 2 day conference, but you're probably already asleep now so I'll be brief. In a nutshell, let me just use the word of God to sum it up...
Isaiah 43:18-19
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Through His word it was if He was shouting to me...Stephanie, I am doing a new thing in your life! Don't miss it by staying held captive by the anguish and pain you have experienced in the past. Don't miss it by fearing the new thing I want to do in your life! I don't believe this verse is saying to forget the pain as God has used that pain greatly, but rather for me not to dwell there.
I can't wait to see all that God has in store for me as well as in the life of my kids. I am sure the enemy will try again to gain a foothold in my life. My prayer is that I would not allow him to hold me there rather to keep looking to the One who has been an ever present help in all of my times of need...He has been so incredibly faithful to meet my every need and then some. May I continually rest in His goodness and love for me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Letter to Jason
(I know I have been a terrible blogger and honestly not sure if/when I will blog again, but this day I felt led. A couple of different individuals have encouraged me to write a letter to Jason since his death...I have never been able to do it until now and even now after re-reading it there is so much more I want to say, but this is a good start. It did provide great therapy while writing. Thanks for letting me share.)
Dear Jason,
Two years ago today you left this fallen world for a place that I can really only dream and imagine. I have to admit to you that I have been somewhat jealous of the thought that you met Jesus before me! I know, I know…selfish of me to speak such. I have tried to imagine what it was like when you stepped into His presence. I have played out in my head you describing all that you saw and experienced over and over. Of course all of it is based on what I believe heaven will be like…I am confident it is so much more than I can even imagine.
To say the words ‘I miss you’ doesn’t really describe what kind of void your departure on this earth left in me. I remember the night I left the hospital of your initial diagnosis of leukemia. I remember thinking in my mind, ‘what if God doesn’t heal Jason?’ What would life be like without you here? I would not let my mind go there that particular night, yet as we both went through the process of fighting the disease it was as if the Lord was preparing my heart that His healing might come in heaven and not on this earth. Even still I couldn’t grasp how life would be without you by my side.
July 9, 2008, I arrived that morning to help you shower and dress for the day. Do you remember me meeting you in the hall of your parents entrance hall? Do you remember how we stood embracing each other for a few minutes? I remember hugging your frail and weak body so tightly and telling you how incredibly proud I was of you. I remember telling you how much I loved you and how incredibly thankful I was to be your wife. Jason, I had no idea that when I left there that day what would transpire just a few hours later. I assure you had I known, taking the kids swimming would have not been on my list of things to do that day. I have beat myself over and over for leaving you for the afternoon, but honestly I thought I was doing the right thing in spending some time with them as well.
During those last few days of your life at FGH your family and mine clung to each other and to our Lord in a way that I really can’t describe. We hurt so much knowing that your hours on this earth were limited, yet, can I tell you that our Lord met us there in that hospital in a way I have never experienced before? Jason, you would have been amazed and totally overwhelmed at the love and support that was shown to our family in those last days. I kept thinking to myself…”I wish Jason could see how much he is loved.” Obviously there were moments of total brokenness over the fact that we knew your time on earth was coming to an end, but there were also moments of joy. Joy, you ask? Yes, our brothers provided some entertainment and a little comic relief. Oh, and your dad confessed to you while you were unconscious that you were always his favorite! Brad was standing right there when he did it! I am certain that some of your former co-workers in the Intensive Care Unit thought were certifiably crazy! I know you aren’t surprised by that.
And then July 12th came…a day of great beginnings for you yet a day that right now brings me such sadness. There are lots of things that happened that day that thankfully the Lord has helped me to forget, but there are also some things about that day that will forever be with me. I remember the kids coming to see you one last time. I remember how it was the last time the 5 of us were together. It was one of the saddest times of my life, but it was also a precious time as well. Later that day, I remember looking out the big window in your room on the 6th floor of FGH…by the way, they placed you in a room for the last hours of your life that had an incredible view! Sadly we never got that great view during your many inpatient stays while battling leukemia. Anyway, back to looking out the window…the sun was setting and the sky was breathtaking. As I held on to your hand, I remember looking out the window and thinking as the sun is setting in the sky so is the sun setting on our life together on this earth. I remember thinking how I wished I could stop it from setting, but I couldn’t. God had bigger and greater things in store for you. Your total and complete healing came a little before 11:00 p.m. that night.
Oh, how my heart broke into a million pieces. I left pretty quickly after you took your last breath as all I wanted at that moment was for your lifeless body to have life again, but I knew that couldn’t happen so the next thing I wanted was our sweet children. I know, I shouldn’t have woken them, but as was the case so many times in our life together, I was totally dictated at that moment by emotion!
Speaking of the kids…can I just tell you how awesome they are? Honestly, I don’t know how privy you are as to the ongoings on this earth now that your residence is with the King, so let me just tell you our kids are doing amazingly well.
Sweet Anna Lea is just that... so sweet and precious. Her love for you continues to grow even in your absence from her daily life. She relives so many of the special times the 2 of you had together…I love hearing her recall each and every memory. It always makes my heart smile even though often tears fall all at the same time. She misses you a lot. Daily she speaks of you. She asks lots of questions about heaven and what you are doing. I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but we have read a great book together about Heaven. You should read it! Ha! Anyway, the best thing about Anna Lea since your passing is that her faith in our Lord is growing by leaps and bounds. She loves the Lord much...I do want to believe that you are already aware of this!
Jon Brent is one fun little kid and as he did while you were on this earth he continues to bring much JOY to our family. I do have a bone to pick with you about him, though. He is somewhat (ha) OCD about certain things…you know he didn’t get that from me! God has used him to bring laughter on many a day where the pain was just too much. He still looks so much like you that sometimes it takes my breath away. He is so literal with everything. Oh, and he is quite the little dancer. Not sure where he got that, but I have a strong inclination that it came from my neighbor, who happens to be your brother! Oh! I almost forgot…I bought a house right next door to a house that Brad and Sherri bought! We have all thought many times how you would have loved that.
Not forgetting your Ally girl…she is something else. I laugh often and tell people that you would have been puzzled by her. She doesn’t quite fit the mold of the other two. She marches to a different beat altogether, but continues to make us all smile…and scratch our heads. She recognizes you in all the pictures plastered all over our home. Of course right now she thinks you are at the beach in heaven with Jesus. Anna Lea makes a point daily to talk of you to Ally. She has made it a priority to make sure she knows what her daddy was like. She also looks a lot like you and for that I am most thankful.
So much has happened since your departure…birthdays,new house, Anna Lea and Sherri baptism, first days of school, birth of a sweet new nephew, anniversaries, me returning to work, Christmas, trips to Disney, trips to the beach, family gatherings, etc. Many of those special events/days have been incredibly tough because you weren’t here with us, but I can definitely say that our God has been SO incredibly faithful to all of us. He has provided for our every need. He has carried us when I thought there is no possible way we can go on. He has been so good to us and honestly I don’t deserve any of it.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have wished things could have been different and that God would have chosen to heal you here rather there, but that is just me speaking from my flesh. God was glorified in your death. Even some came to know Him personally because of it. Others returned to Him because of it. For those reasons your death was not in vain. I pray daily that He would continue to receive the all the glory and that He would continue to use our story in pointing others to Jesus.
I wish I could tell you that I have been a perfect mom to the kids and great manager of our finances…I know the thought of me managing the checkbook must make you roll your eyes! I have failed at lots of things since your passing, but as you know His grace is always enough and covers me daily. Please don’t be upset that I don’t keep receipts or write down every expense in the check register… I promise I am doing the best I can! Haha!
There have been many days where I have just layed in bed praying that it all had been a really bad nightmare and that I am going to wake up to find that none of it happened, yet I quickly discover my true reality. It is those moments that I say aloud…’God, you are sovereign and I trust you.’ His peace is like no other.
I continue to be amazed at our God through all of this. You know I have always loved worship, but since your death I love it even more because when I participate in it I am getting to do the same thing you are doing in heaven! That thought blows my mind.
Jason, I love you so and still so proud that I had the opportunity to be your wife and the mother of your children. I will never get over that blessing. I so look forward to the day where we will all be reunited again. Until then…I’ll keep praising Jesus here while you praise Him there.
Loving and missing you more than I can say,
Stephanie
Dear Jason,
Two years ago today you left this fallen world for a place that I can really only dream and imagine. I have to admit to you that I have been somewhat jealous of the thought that you met Jesus before me! I know, I know…selfish of me to speak such. I have tried to imagine what it was like when you stepped into His presence. I have played out in my head you describing all that you saw and experienced over and over. Of course all of it is based on what I believe heaven will be like…I am confident it is so much more than I can even imagine.
To say the words ‘I miss you’ doesn’t really describe what kind of void your departure on this earth left in me. I remember the night I left the hospital of your initial diagnosis of leukemia. I remember thinking in my mind, ‘what if God doesn’t heal Jason?’ What would life be like without you here? I would not let my mind go there that particular night, yet as we both went through the process of fighting the disease it was as if the Lord was preparing my heart that His healing might come in heaven and not on this earth. Even still I couldn’t grasp how life would be without you by my side.
July 9, 2008, I arrived that morning to help you shower and dress for the day. Do you remember me meeting you in the hall of your parents entrance hall? Do you remember how we stood embracing each other for a few minutes? I remember hugging your frail and weak body so tightly and telling you how incredibly proud I was of you. I remember telling you how much I loved you and how incredibly thankful I was to be your wife. Jason, I had no idea that when I left there that day what would transpire just a few hours later. I assure you had I known, taking the kids swimming would have not been on my list of things to do that day. I have beat myself over and over for leaving you for the afternoon, but honestly I thought I was doing the right thing in spending some time with them as well.
During those last few days of your life at FGH your family and mine clung to each other and to our Lord in a way that I really can’t describe. We hurt so much knowing that your hours on this earth were limited, yet, can I tell you that our Lord met us there in that hospital in a way I have never experienced before? Jason, you would have been amazed and totally overwhelmed at the love and support that was shown to our family in those last days. I kept thinking to myself…”I wish Jason could see how much he is loved.” Obviously there were moments of total brokenness over the fact that we knew your time on earth was coming to an end, but there were also moments of joy. Joy, you ask? Yes, our brothers provided some entertainment and a little comic relief. Oh, and your dad confessed to you while you were unconscious that you were always his favorite! Brad was standing right there when he did it! I am certain that some of your former co-workers in the Intensive Care Unit thought were certifiably crazy! I know you aren’t surprised by that.
And then July 12th came…a day of great beginnings for you yet a day that right now brings me such sadness. There are lots of things that happened that day that thankfully the Lord has helped me to forget, but there are also some things about that day that will forever be with me. I remember the kids coming to see you one last time. I remember how it was the last time the 5 of us were together. It was one of the saddest times of my life, but it was also a precious time as well. Later that day, I remember looking out the big window in your room on the 6th floor of FGH…by the way, they placed you in a room for the last hours of your life that had an incredible view! Sadly we never got that great view during your many inpatient stays while battling leukemia. Anyway, back to looking out the window…the sun was setting and the sky was breathtaking. As I held on to your hand, I remember looking out the window and thinking as the sun is setting in the sky so is the sun setting on our life together on this earth. I remember thinking how I wished I could stop it from setting, but I couldn’t. God had bigger and greater things in store for you. Your total and complete healing came a little before 11:00 p.m. that night.
Oh, how my heart broke into a million pieces. I left pretty quickly after you took your last breath as all I wanted at that moment was for your lifeless body to have life again, but I knew that couldn’t happen so the next thing I wanted was our sweet children. I know, I shouldn’t have woken them, but as was the case so many times in our life together, I was totally dictated at that moment by emotion!
Speaking of the kids…can I just tell you how awesome they are? Honestly, I don’t know how privy you are as to the ongoings on this earth now that your residence is with the King, so let me just tell you our kids are doing amazingly well.
Sweet Anna Lea is just that... so sweet and precious. Her love for you continues to grow even in your absence from her daily life. She relives so many of the special times the 2 of you had together…I love hearing her recall each and every memory. It always makes my heart smile even though often tears fall all at the same time. She misses you a lot. Daily she speaks of you. She asks lots of questions about heaven and what you are doing. I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but we have read a great book together about Heaven. You should read it! Ha! Anyway, the best thing about Anna Lea since your passing is that her faith in our Lord is growing by leaps and bounds. She loves the Lord much...I do want to believe that you are already aware of this!
Jon Brent is one fun little kid and as he did while you were on this earth he continues to bring much JOY to our family. I do have a bone to pick with you about him, though. He is somewhat (ha) OCD about certain things…you know he didn’t get that from me! God has used him to bring laughter on many a day where the pain was just too much. He still looks so much like you that sometimes it takes my breath away. He is so literal with everything. Oh, and he is quite the little dancer. Not sure where he got that, but I have a strong inclination that it came from my neighbor, who happens to be your brother! Oh! I almost forgot…I bought a house right next door to a house that Brad and Sherri bought! We have all thought many times how you would have loved that.
Not forgetting your Ally girl…she is something else. I laugh often and tell people that you would have been puzzled by her. She doesn’t quite fit the mold of the other two. She marches to a different beat altogether, but continues to make us all smile…and scratch our heads. She recognizes you in all the pictures plastered all over our home. Of course right now she thinks you are at the beach in heaven with Jesus. Anna Lea makes a point daily to talk of you to Ally. She has made it a priority to make sure she knows what her daddy was like. She also looks a lot like you and for that I am most thankful.
So much has happened since your departure…birthdays,new house, Anna Lea and Sherri baptism, first days of school, birth of a sweet new nephew, anniversaries, me returning to work, Christmas, trips to Disney, trips to the beach, family gatherings, etc. Many of those special events/days have been incredibly tough because you weren’t here with us, but I can definitely say that our God has been SO incredibly faithful to all of us. He has provided for our every need. He has carried us when I thought there is no possible way we can go on. He has been so good to us and honestly I don’t deserve any of it.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have wished things could have been different and that God would have chosen to heal you here rather there, but that is just me speaking from my flesh. God was glorified in your death. Even some came to know Him personally because of it. Others returned to Him because of it. For those reasons your death was not in vain. I pray daily that He would continue to receive the all the glory and that He would continue to use our story in pointing others to Jesus.
I wish I could tell you that I have been a perfect mom to the kids and great manager of our finances…I know the thought of me managing the checkbook must make you roll your eyes! I have failed at lots of things since your passing, but as you know His grace is always enough and covers me daily. Please don’t be upset that I don’t keep receipts or write down every expense in the check register… I promise I am doing the best I can! Haha!
There have been many days where I have just layed in bed praying that it all had been a really bad nightmare and that I am going to wake up to find that none of it happened, yet I quickly discover my true reality. It is those moments that I say aloud…’God, you are sovereign and I trust you.’ His peace is like no other.
I continue to be amazed at our God through all of this. You know I have always loved worship, but since your death I love it even more because when I participate in it I am getting to do the same thing you are doing in heaven! That thought blows my mind.
Jason, I love you so and still so proud that I had the opportunity to be your wife and the mother of your children. I will never get over that blessing. I so look forward to the day where we will all be reunited again. Until then…I’ll keep praising Jesus here while you praise Him there.
Loving and missing you more than I can say,
Stephanie
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Happy Birthday, sweet Jason
November 12th, Jason would have turned 35. I miss him so much that sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Although the pain is not as sharp as it once was, it is still there. It is with me everywhere I go. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I go to work, when I come home from work, when with the kids, when without the kids...it's always there. I guess it always will be. The grace of our Lord continues to amaze me. It is His grace that gets me through each day...He even provides moments of joy. It's so hard to understand how I can experience joy, yet at the same time feel such sadness over not having Jason in my life. The only way I can attempt to wrap my head around it is to say...BUT God! He continues to supply my every need and then some.
I hate so badly that we can't celebrate Jason's birthday with him today or ever again on this earth. Yet, it is the HOPE of heaven that our Lord gives us that gives me the assurance that one day we will celebrate with him again. To this promise I cling tightly.
I am so proud of our children that the Lord blessed us with. As much as they tire and wear me down each day, I certainly can't imagine going through this thing called life without them. All 3 of them are doing so well considering they are missing their daddy in their life.
Anna Lea speaks daily of him and I am so thankful she does. She is so precious. Jason would be so proud of how well she has handled all of this. She came downstairs last week after the others had already gone to sleep. I was sitting in the den when she asked, “mom, are you angry that daddy died?” Without hesitation I said, “no, Anna Lea, just very sad.” Immediately I asked her the same question. Without any delay she replied, “no, just sad, too, but I am also very happy that he is happy in heaven.” Wow. My prayers are being answered. You see, I can honestly say that I have never been angry with God over his choosing to take Jason home at 33. I have certainly questioned his ways, but I have chosen to trust His sovereignty. I have prayed over and over that my children would always do the same...with this situation as well as any other hard lessons life throws their way. To hear my sweet daughter say she was happy that her daddy was happy in heaven brought me such joy and comfort. She is learning to trust our Lord at such an early age and for that I am so very thankful.
Jon Brent looks the most like Jason and has so many of his characteristics. Sometimes when he smiles it literally takes my breath away because I can see Jason's smile all over his little face. It totally amazes me how many ways Jon Brent is like his daddy. The way he likes his things just so defined Jason to a tee. Daily my parents and I laugh aloud at something Jon Brent does and then we look at each other and say, “that is Jason.” His memories of his daddy are few, but I am praying daily that somehow, someway he'll remember more than most can remember at his young age. The other day I was putting on make-up in my bathroom when Jon Brent started shouting, “mom, come here, come here!” I went to see what he was needing and discovered a large smile on his face with his finger pointing to the tv. There was a music video that Jason used to play for he and Anna Lea from Nick Jr.'s website. The exact video was being played on tv at that moment. He remembered Jason playing it on the computer for them and how they would all dance around while it played. Jason would do this with the kids almost daily when we lived in Naples. Oh, how I was so sad for Jon Brent at this very moment, but at the same time so excited that he remembered this special time on his own.
And then there is sweet Ally. I have written before how I hurt for her in such a different way than the other two. She is full of life and certainly has a mind of her own! She is the most independent one of the three. She would have made Jason laugh...a lot. Her little personality would have really intrigued him. I am certain there would have been moments of him scratching his head over little Ally, but she would have also had him totally wrapped around her finger. Right now her life is happy and full. She doesn't know the sadness we experience on daily basis. She doesn't remember the months Jason was sick or what life was like shortly after his death. All she knows is that she is loved by all that surround her and for the most part all of her wants are met! (mainly by Nana! :) She knows only of the word 'daddy' because Anna Lea saw to it several months ago that she learn who he was from pictures that are placed all over our house. Sadly she really doesn't know him. She will only know of him. She will only know the things about him that we tell her. I am convinced that she will grow to love who he was, but I hate more than I can express that she will never experience his love on this earth.
As I remember sweet Jason on this his birthday, I am still clinging to my Savior to sustain me. My God has been SO incredibly faithful to me each and everyday. I choose to continue to praise Him for He is so worthy to be praised. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1-2
Happy Birthday, sweet Jason! I pray we are making you proud, but more than that I pray we are making Jesus proud. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and as Anna Lea said so simply...we ARE happy that you are happy in heaven! We can only imagine...
I hate so badly that we can't celebrate Jason's birthday with him today or ever again on this earth. Yet, it is the HOPE of heaven that our Lord gives us that gives me the assurance that one day we will celebrate with him again. To this promise I cling tightly.
I am so proud of our children that the Lord blessed us with. As much as they tire and wear me down each day, I certainly can't imagine going through this thing called life without them. All 3 of them are doing so well considering they are missing their daddy in their life.
Anna Lea speaks daily of him and I am so thankful she does. She is so precious. Jason would be so proud of how well she has handled all of this. She came downstairs last week after the others had already gone to sleep. I was sitting in the den when she asked, “mom, are you angry that daddy died?” Without hesitation I said, “no, Anna Lea, just very sad.” Immediately I asked her the same question. Without any delay she replied, “no, just sad, too, but I am also very happy that he is happy in heaven.” Wow. My prayers are being answered. You see, I can honestly say that I have never been angry with God over his choosing to take Jason home at 33. I have certainly questioned his ways, but I have chosen to trust His sovereignty. I have prayed over and over that my children would always do the same...with this situation as well as any other hard lessons life throws their way. To hear my sweet daughter say she was happy that her daddy was happy in heaven brought me such joy and comfort. She is learning to trust our Lord at such an early age and for that I am so very thankful.
Jon Brent looks the most like Jason and has so many of his characteristics. Sometimes when he smiles it literally takes my breath away because I can see Jason's smile all over his little face. It totally amazes me how many ways Jon Brent is like his daddy. The way he likes his things just so defined Jason to a tee. Daily my parents and I laugh aloud at something Jon Brent does and then we look at each other and say, “that is Jason.” His memories of his daddy are few, but I am praying daily that somehow, someway he'll remember more than most can remember at his young age. The other day I was putting on make-up in my bathroom when Jon Brent started shouting, “mom, come here, come here!” I went to see what he was needing and discovered a large smile on his face with his finger pointing to the tv. There was a music video that Jason used to play for he and Anna Lea from Nick Jr.'s website. The exact video was being played on tv at that moment. He remembered Jason playing it on the computer for them and how they would all dance around while it played. Jason would do this with the kids almost daily when we lived in Naples. Oh, how I was so sad for Jon Brent at this very moment, but at the same time so excited that he remembered this special time on his own.
And then there is sweet Ally. I have written before how I hurt for her in such a different way than the other two. She is full of life and certainly has a mind of her own! She is the most independent one of the three. She would have made Jason laugh...a lot. Her little personality would have really intrigued him. I am certain there would have been moments of him scratching his head over little Ally, but she would have also had him totally wrapped around her finger. Right now her life is happy and full. She doesn't know the sadness we experience on daily basis. She doesn't remember the months Jason was sick or what life was like shortly after his death. All she knows is that she is loved by all that surround her and for the most part all of her wants are met! (mainly by Nana! :) She knows only of the word 'daddy' because Anna Lea saw to it several months ago that she learn who he was from pictures that are placed all over our house. Sadly she really doesn't know him. She will only know of him. She will only know the things about him that we tell her. I am convinced that she will grow to love who he was, but I hate more than I can express that she will never experience his love on this earth.
As I remember sweet Jason on this his birthday, I am still clinging to my Savior to sustain me. My God has been SO incredibly faithful to me each and everyday. I choose to continue to praise Him for He is so worthy to be praised. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1-2
Happy Birthday, sweet Jason! I pray we are making you proud, but more than that I pray we are making Jesus proud. We love and miss you more than you will ever know and as Anna Lea said so simply...we ARE happy that you are happy in heaven! We can only imagine...
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Welcome Jon Dawson Weathers!
Friday morning God blessed this earth by giving Brad and Sherri a healthy baby boy. Dawson is most beautiful! To me he looks very much like his sweet mom. His dad is pretty sweet, too, but I think right now he looks more like ReRe. :) As I experienced the excitement of this new life on Friday, my mind couldn't help but think of Jason. He loved Brad so much and felt just as strongly for Sherri. I hate so badly that he missed out on the birth of their new son, but just maybe our Lord allowed him to catch a glimpse of the joy we were all experiencing. I hate so much that Dawson will not know his Uncle Jason personally, but I know we'll all take the time to tell him what an amazing man he really was.
The kids were so excited to welcome Dawson into this world. I think I now have a new problem to deal with though...since we live next door to Brad and Sherri, they want to be over there CONSTANTLY! Poor Dawson...he has no idea how much love awaits him! They are most proud of their new cousin. I look forward to all the fun memories we will make watching them all grow up together.
Uncle Brad leading the kids to meet Dawson for the first time!I am so very happy for Brad and Sherri. Many don't know how long they waited for this precious baby. They sacrificed so much of their life while Jason was sick and even now they continue to go above and beyond for us. I am so thankful that God has blessed them with this sweet baby boy. Our God is good!
Anna Lea, Jon Brent and I left for a quick weekend getaway in Oxford on Friday afternoon. Scott, Ashley and the boys moved to Oxford in August so this was our first time to be able to visit them since the move. Between the birth of Dawson and then a weekend with Ross and Anderson...my kids were PUMPED! They also went to their first Ole Miss football game and that was a treat for sure. Of course, wearing red and blue was quite different than wearing black and gold. :)
I have said this so many times before, but I am so blessed with all of my family. Enjoy some pictures from all the excitement we experienced over the last few days. "Taste and see that He is good!"
Ashley with Jon Brent, Ross, Anna Lea and Ross' good friend Mattie
Uncle Scott refers to Ole Miss as the closest place to heaven on earth! (That's a big HA for me, but sadly he is MOST serious!)
Anderson stayed at home during the game, but I did manage
to take this picture of him while he was dressing up in
his Halloween costume. So fun!
As soon as we got back from Oxford on Sunday we
went straight over to see Dawson! 
Anna Lea and Dawson- she loves him so much!
Jon Brent was such a natural holding Dawson. Reminded us
all of his sweet daddy when he held a baby.
Anna Lea and Dawson- she loves him so much!
Jon Brent was such a natural holding Dawson. Reminded usall of his sweet daddy when he held a baby.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Heaven Is the Face...Thanks, Steven Curtis Chapman
Recently I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's new song entitled "Heaven is the Face." What a song! The Chapman's lost their 5 year old daughter in a most tragic accident around the same time as Jason's death. He captured his feelings of heaven in this song. The first time I heard it I was an emotional wreck. It was definitely an ugly cry, as my dear friend Kristen would say. I attempted to sit down several times to write about it, but there were no words. Until today. Experience this song for yourself in both the lyrics as well as the actual song... Click here.
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”
Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...
Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest,
falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams
And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know,
I just can’t see beyond the door.
Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).
Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.
Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know,
I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.
I have ashamedly admitted on this blog before how I never longed for heaven the way I long for heaven until my sweet Jason left this earth. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT ready to depart this earth as I have 3 precious children to raise and enjoy, but I don't fear heaven or hold on to this world as tightly as I did prior to July 12, 2008. Steven Curtis Chapman so beautifully described what heaven is to him right now. As he wrote, he knows heaven is so much more than any of us can comprehend. Our understanding of our glorious inheritance can't be fully understood until we see it for ourselves. I think, wait, let me rephrase that...I KNOW our God understands our heart when we long for those that have gone on before us. For He knows our inner most being...better than we know ourselves.
For me heaven IS seeing the face of Jesus and bowing down before Him in adoration, but it also is reuniting with Jason. It will also be the opportunity to see that smile of his and feel his giant arms embrace me once more. It will be a chance to see the way he looked at Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally so very lovingly. Oh...heaven will be that and SO much more. God, I continue to trust Your plan until Jason takes my hand again and leads me to You. The day will come...a promise I cling to each day. I am ready. Are you?
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”
Chorus: God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...
Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest,
falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams
And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for God, you know,
I just can’t see beyond the door.
Bridge: But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy (no more).
Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.
Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know,
I’m trusting You until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.
I have ashamedly admitted on this blog before how I never longed for heaven the way I long for heaven until my sweet Jason left this earth. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT ready to depart this earth as I have 3 precious children to raise and enjoy, but I don't fear heaven or hold on to this world as tightly as I did prior to July 12, 2008. Steven Curtis Chapman so beautifully described what heaven is to him right now. As he wrote, he knows heaven is so much more than any of us can comprehend. Our understanding of our glorious inheritance can't be fully understood until we see it for ourselves. I think, wait, let me rephrase that...I KNOW our God understands our heart when we long for those that have gone on before us. For He knows our inner most being...better than we know ourselves.
For me heaven IS seeing the face of Jesus and bowing down before Him in adoration, but it also is reuniting with Jason. It will also be the opportunity to see that smile of his and feel his giant arms embrace me once more. It will be a chance to see the way he looked at Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally so very lovingly. Oh...heaven will be that and SO much more. God, I continue to trust Your plan until Jason takes my hand again and leads me to You. The day will come...a promise I cling to each day. I am ready. Are you?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Unfailing Love
I was working around the house the other night after the kids went to bed. As I worked, I decided to listen to my IPod. A song came on that I had not heard in quite some time by Chris Tomlin entitled Unfailing Love. Here are the lyrics. Listen here.
You have my heart and I am yours forever
You are my strength, God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
(Chorus)
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God you remain
The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock the One I hold onto
You are my song and I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change,
God you remain The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
It is a beautiful song with such simple lyrics. I spent time recently reading through old emails. I came across so many emails that I had sent and others had sent me during the 7 months of Jason's battle with leukemia. As I read through those emails, I was filled with so many emotions. Obviously, sadness engulfed me, but one other emotion that took hold of me was thankfulness to our Lord. Most of the emails I sent were all sent at a very low and dark times. I was writing most of my prayers, thoughts and feelings on the caringbridge site, but some things I kept between close friends and family. Read below a portion of an email I sent out to a few friends the day that Jason went for his first consult at MD Anderson. A little background information...Jason had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for a total of 6.5 weeks. He was released from the hospital on a Sunday and exactly 5 days later I was admitted to the hospital to deliver sweet baby Ally. Jason left for Houston when Ally was 7 days old. Whew! My hormones and emotions were running wild! Read email below. Written on March 3, 2008 at 2:16 p.m.
Dear Friends,
Ok... here I am again. Needing prayer... that's all I am good for these days. Jason in Houston now. He had a pretty bad a.m. and is having or just had the biopsy as I type this email. I am thankful that his dad and brother are with him. He heard the very scary talk today from docs and others about the transplant and all that could possibly take place from that. Not sure how much any of you have read on bone marrow transplants, but it is a very risky procedure. Lots of complications can occur and it isn't always a "sure" thing as far as even engrafting to his body.
I've read where some patients have to have many transplants. Oh, how I pray we're not in that category. I am so tired and emotional right now that I know that me being in Houston would have been a disaster, but oh I wish I was there to comfort him after hearing all the bad he heard this a.m. I have read TONS on bone marrow transplants, but Jason has chosen to stay in dark and I guess I can't blame him if it helps him to get through this time. However, he heard it today. Dr. Bellare and I both warned him that what he'd hear today would scare him and it did. I know they have to tell you the worse case scenario, too.
Dr. Champlin told him he needed a transplant ASAP - possibly even by the end of the month. Hopefully in about 10 days we will hear if there is an initial match. Please pray that there is a perfect match. Un-related matches are even riskier than related match (meaning brother/sister). We were hopeful that he'd be able to finish school while awaiting transplant, but doc in Houston says that isn't possible right now. He says he'll have to continue treatment every so many weeks until a match is found. That is so hard on his body and I can't even imagine how he could physically do it several more times. Very disappointing in so many ways to say the least. He is so close to finishing school. Of course, that means that much longer we are not employed and have no income. That stresses me out a little, too. Trying not to focus on $ b/c I just want my husband well. We'll figure out $ later. Oh, and to top it off, $500,000 is the what they said transplant would cost. Yikes. Anyway, I am rambling right now b/c that is how everything in my head is ... all jumbled up.
Please just pray for me emotionally right now. Obviously, pray for Jason, too. Pray for a perfect match. Pray for J mentally, too. I know he is totally overwhelmed right now. I can't even imagine what it is like for him. Pray for logistics of having to temporarily relocate to Houston, which causes me GREAT anxiety. Literally. Not knowing if my kids can come or how often I'll see them makes me sick to my stomach. Finding a place to live and how we'll pay for that is a need, too. I know God is in control, but I feel as if everything is caving in around me right now. I know this isn't too big for him. I mentally know all of his promises, but my heart isn't grasping them right this minute. I assume these are all very normal emotions that I am feeling. Having just had a baby probably makes me even more emotional, too. Darn hormones. I need my husband well. Our precious children need him well. Oh, how I pray that the Lord's plan is to heal him. I am not sure how I will make it if it isn't a part of his perfect plan.
Wow. Just reading this email again brings back so many feelings, yet I see His hand so clearly now, but in some ways I couldn't see Him then. I see His provisions for us as I look back. He didn't make a way for a match immediately. He didn't arrange housing in Houston. He didn't provide many of the needs I mentioned above because our Sovereign Lord knew that on July 12, 2008, his battle on earth with this disease would come to an end. He didn't meet those needs in our time because His time is different. His ways are not our ways, but regardless He WAS so faithful the entire time. He was working in ways I couldn't see or even imagine and although we so badly wanted God to heal Jason through a transplant, God had a different plan.
Now back to the song I posted at the beginning of this post. His unfailing love never ceases to amaze me. He never changes. Even when I couldn't grasp his promises, they were still true! He was and IS my strength...God of grace and power. He is my unfailing love. I continue to stand in awe of who He is and how He works. May I never get over Him!
You have my heart and I am yours forever
You are my strength, God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
(Chorus)
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change, God you remain
The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock the One I hold onto
You are my song and I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hands
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change,
God you remain The Holy One of my unfailing love
Unfailing love
It is a beautiful song with such simple lyrics. I spent time recently reading through old emails. I came across so many emails that I had sent and others had sent me during the 7 months of Jason's battle with leukemia. As I read through those emails, I was filled with so many emotions. Obviously, sadness engulfed me, but one other emotion that took hold of me was thankfulness to our Lord. Most of the emails I sent were all sent at a very low and dark times. I was writing most of my prayers, thoughts and feelings on the caringbridge site, but some things I kept between close friends and family. Read below a portion of an email I sent out to a few friends the day that Jason went for his first consult at MD Anderson. A little background information...Jason had just gotten out of the hospital after being there for a total of 6.5 weeks. He was released from the hospital on a Sunday and exactly 5 days later I was admitted to the hospital to deliver sweet baby Ally. Jason left for Houston when Ally was 7 days old. Whew! My hormones and emotions were running wild! Read email below. Written on March 3, 2008 at 2:16 p.m.
Dear Friends,
Ok... here I am again. Needing prayer... that's all I am good for these days. Jason in Houston now. He had a pretty bad a.m. and is having or just had the biopsy as I type this email. I am thankful that his dad and brother are with him. He heard the very scary talk today from docs and others about the transplant and all that could possibly take place from that. Not sure how much any of you have read on bone marrow transplants, but it is a very risky procedure. Lots of complications can occur and it isn't always a "sure" thing as far as even engrafting to his body.
I've read where some patients have to have many transplants. Oh, how I pray we're not in that category. I am so tired and emotional right now that I know that me being in Houston would have been a disaster, but oh I wish I was there to comfort him after hearing all the bad he heard this a.m. I have read TONS on bone marrow transplants, but Jason has chosen to stay in dark and I guess I can't blame him if it helps him to get through this time. However, he heard it today. Dr. Bellare and I both warned him that what he'd hear today would scare him and it did. I know they have to tell you the worse case scenario, too.
Dr. Champlin told him he needed a transplant ASAP - possibly even by the end of the month. Hopefully in about 10 days we will hear if there is an initial match. Please pray that there is a perfect match. Un-related matches are even riskier than related match (meaning brother/sister). We were hopeful that he'd be able to finish school while awaiting transplant, but doc in Houston says that isn't possible right now. He says he'll have to continue treatment every so many weeks until a match is found. That is so hard on his body and I can't even imagine how he could physically do it several more times. Very disappointing in so many ways to say the least. He is so close to finishing school. Of course, that means that much longer we are not employed and have no income. That stresses me out a little, too. Trying not to focus on $ b/c I just want my husband well. We'll figure out $ later. Oh, and to top it off, $500,000 is the what they said transplant would cost. Yikes. Anyway, I am rambling right now b/c that is how everything in my head is ... all jumbled up.
Please just pray for me emotionally right now. Obviously, pray for Jason, too. Pray for a perfect match. Pray for J mentally, too. I know he is totally overwhelmed right now. I can't even imagine what it is like for him. Pray for logistics of having to temporarily relocate to Houston, which causes me GREAT anxiety. Literally. Not knowing if my kids can come or how often I'll see them makes me sick to my stomach. Finding a place to live and how we'll pay for that is a need, too. I know God is in control, but I feel as if everything is caving in around me right now. I know this isn't too big for him. I mentally know all of his promises, but my heart isn't grasping them right this minute. I assume these are all very normal emotions that I am feeling. Having just had a baby probably makes me even more emotional, too. Darn hormones. I need my husband well. Our precious children need him well. Oh, how I pray that the Lord's plan is to heal him. I am not sure how I will make it if it isn't a part of his perfect plan.
Wow. Just reading this email again brings back so many feelings, yet I see His hand so clearly now, but in some ways I couldn't see Him then. I see His provisions for us as I look back. He didn't make a way for a match immediately. He didn't arrange housing in Houston. He didn't provide many of the needs I mentioned above because our Sovereign Lord knew that on July 12, 2008, his battle on earth with this disease would come to an end. He didn't meet those needs in our time because His time is different. His ways are not our ways, but regardless He WAS so faithful the entire time. He was working in ways I couldn't see or even imagine and although we so badly wanted God to heal Jason through a transplant, God had a different plan.
Now back to the song I posted at the beginning of this post. His unfailing love never ceases to amaze me. He never changes. Even when I couldn't grasp his promises, they were still true! He was and IS my strength...God of grace and power. He is my unfailing love. I continue to stand in awe of who He is and how He works. May I never get over Him!
Monday, August 10, 2009
(actually written on Saturday, August 15, 2009 - for some reason the date and time not correct...)
I realized the other day that I really didn't blog much in July. It was definitely a BUSY month. Here are some things that happened in a quick synopsis:
*At the beginning of the month I was able to see the broadway play Wicked for a second time in Memphis with my mom, Ashley, Melinda and good friends, Danya and Megan Hogue. It was even better the second time!
*Right after returning from Memphis came the 1 year anniversary of Jason's death on the 12th. It was a most difficult time, but the kids and I were able to go to Destin with Jason's parents as well as Brad, Sherri and Bailey. I don't think I was totally prepared for the emotions I would experience on the days leading up to July 12th. For the first time since Jason's death, I also began to deal with minor health issues that I know were totally related to the anxieties I was experiencing. As of now, must of those issues have resolved themselves. I must admit that FEAR crept in as I began to deal with some of the issues. Fear that something might be seriously wrong with me. I certainly wasn't taking every thought captive...
Praise God, His grace is enough! Once again, He was there! He brought me a peace that only He could provide.
*While speaking of July 12th, let me take an opportunity to thank SO many of you for your prayers, emails, text messages, cards and ALL the love that was sent my way during that week. Once again I was totally amazed and overwhelmed. The memories of Jason that were shared were absolutely priceless. On July 12th alone I had 115 emails! It was unbelievable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will treasure all of them for years to come, as will the children.
*Once we returned from Destin the next big event was my birthday! Many know how I love my birthday and my good friends certainly came through in a big way. Two in particular went out of their way to make my birthday a fun celebration of fun firsts. Kristen and Becky knew that I had a year of some very difficult 'firsts' without Jason, so they thought it would be fun to celebrate my birthday by doing things I had never done that were FUN! Indeed they were! I was most surprised by all of them and most caught off guard, but a good time was had for sure. I am so blessed to not only have Becky and Kristen in my life, but several other really amazing friends. I am so thankful! I am including some pictures of the fun firsts...
*After the fun firsts birthday, it was time to begin getting ready for school. Boo! Summer is always so fun, but with school comes fall and I love the fall because that means FOOTBALL season! Yay!
We are now trying to settle into a new routine since I have returned to work and Anna Lea to school. I must admit that it has been a little more overwhelming than I originally expected, but once again God's grace is enough! It's not the job itself that is overwhelming, but just finding time to do all I need to do as well as want to do. I am still totally in debt to my mom who continues to amaze me with all she does in caring for my children. I told someone the other day to skip praying for me and pray for Nancy! If she goes down, Stephanie goes down! No joking here!
I realized the other day that I really didn't blog much in July. It was definitely a BUSY month. Here are some things that happened in a quick synopsis:
*At the beginning of the month I was able to see the broadway play Wicked for a second time in Memphis with my mom, Ashley, Melinda and good friends, Danya and Megan Hogue. It was even better the second time!
*Right after returning from Memphis came the 1 year anniversary of Jason's death on the 12th. It was a most difficult time, but the kids and I were able to go to Destin with Jason's parents as well as Brad, Sherri and Bailey. I don't think I was totally prepared for the emotions I would experience on the days leading up to July 12th. For the first time since Jason's death, I also began to deal with minor health issues that I know were totally related to the anxieties I was experiencing. As of now, must of those issues have resolved themselves. I must admit that FEAR crept in as I began to deal with some of the issues. Fear that something might be seriously wrong with me. I certainly wasn't taking every thought captive...
Praise God, His grace is enough! Once again, He was there! He brought me a peace that only He could provide.
*While speaking of July 12th, let me take an opportunity to thank SO many of you for your prayers, emails, text messages, cards and ALL the love that was sent my way during that week. Once again I was totally amazed and overwhelmed. The memories of Jason that were shared were absolutely priceless. On July 12th alone I had 115 emails! It was unbelievable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I will treasure all of them for years to come, as will the children.
*Once we returned from Destin the next big event was my birthday! Many know how I love my birthday and my good friends certainly came through in a big way. Two in particular went out of their way to make my birthday a fun celebration of fun firsts. Kristen and Becky knew that I had a year of some very difficult 'firsts' without Jason, so they thought it would be fun to celebrate my birthday by doing things I had never done that were FUN! Indeed they were! I was most surprised by all of them and most caught off guard, but a good time was had for sure. I am so blessed to not only have Becky and Kristen in my life, but several other really amazing friends. I am so thankful! I am including some pictures of the fun firsts...
My first massage...Why have I never done this before??? Loved it!
My first dinner at a great new restaurant in Jackson...The Auditorium. Yum!
My first trip to the Collins Zoo! Ha! For those that frequent Hwy 49N heading to Jackson
know this place is quite unusual and not many have actually been behind the pink walls!Hilarious! It definitely should rank up there with the San Diego zoo! ;)
My very first motorcyle ride! Even more hilarious, but I absolutely loved it!
This kind man in the picture is a friend of Kristen and her husband, Clay.
He and his wife are in their small group at church. He was a good sport!
*After the fun firsts birthday, it was time to begin getting ready for school. Boo! Summer is always so fun, but with school comes fall and I love the fall because that means FOOTBALL season! Yay!We are now trying to settle into a new routine since I have returned to work and Anna Lea to school. I must admit that it has been a little more overwhelming than I originally expected, but once again God's grace is enough! It's not the job itself that is overwhelming, but just finding time to do all I need to do as well as want to do. I am still totally in debt to my mom who continues to amaze me with all she does in caring for my children. I told someone the other day to skip praying for me and pray for Nancy! If she goes down, Stephanie goes down! No joking here!
Emotionally I am doing pretty good right now. I still have lots of moments where the grief is just so heavy, but overall my Lord continues to amaze me in the way He is caring for me. Right now it seems like weekends are the hardest. This is a time that Jason was always home and we were always together as a family. I have always enjoyed going and doing on Friday and Saturday nights, but with just me and the kids, I tend to just stay home as it is most difficult getting out with 3 on my own. In time, I am confident that even this will get better.
I am certain my Lord is still working for good in my life. Sadly I must admit that sometimes I wish He would pull back the curtain for a glimpse of what was to come, but this is where I have to rest in Him and continue to trust that His promises ARE true! "For we know that ALL things work together for good for those that love Him..." Not just SOME, but ALL! To Him be the glory!
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