Vacation Time

Yesterday began the annual beach vacation with my family and Ashley's (sister in law) family. Ashley and I left Hattiesburg with all 5 children yesterday morning. We made several memories just driving down! We were the first to arrive while all the rest are coming at different intervals throughout the week. The 2 most helpful arrived today...the grandmothers! We are most thankful for Nana and Mo! Don't get me wrong, we are also very thankful for the grandfathers, who will be arriving later.

My usual type blog entry to follow later this week, but tonight I just thought I'd take a few minutes and share just a sample of the fun that is being had thus far. I am so incredibly thankful for this fun time and looking forward to the rest of the week as the entire family makes their way to join us. My very favorite things...family and beach!

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

Father's Day...so many thoughts and even more emotions. I have hurt deeply for my children this weekend as I hate so badly that their earthly father is no longer with them. Thankfully they don't hurt like me. I have shed many tears over the last several days as Father's Day has drawn near. I have also reflected on how blessed I am on this Father's Day weekend.

My dad has been a rock for me all of my life, but most especially since Jason's diagnosis and death. During the entire 6 months that Jason battled leukemia, my dad was so incredibly strong for me. He was always there. I don't say that to sound cliche' rather that statement best describes who Gary Shows is. He was so faithful to visit me and Jason in the hospital. He was always more than willing to stay with him in order to give me and Brad a break. (Even though Jason preferred Brad as sometimes my dad was known to snore and keep Jason awake! haha!) Every time we heard bad news from Dr. Bellare, he was always first to arrive on the scene. His mere presence brought me great comfort. He was with me (along with Sherri) in ICU the morning after Jason went into cardiac arrest. We arrived at 5:30 a.m. only to hear from the ICU physician that based on his initial assessment, he did not believe Jason had any brain activity, but that further testing would be done just to be certain. I wanted to collapse and I could because my dad was there to pick me up and hold me close. My dad has officiated many funerals in his ministry and I am sure having to conduct Jason's was the most difficult one he's ever had to do, yet he did it so willingly. Just knowing he was in that role brought me HUGE comfort. He has stepped up to the plate with my children like they were his very own. Although he jokes with me sometimes about his added responsibilities since Jason's death, (mainly my yard and sometimes the extra kids spending the night at his house:) I know he loves me and the kids with an unconditional love. I know that at any time of need, he is just a phone call away. He certainly gets MANY phone calls, too! :) I am so blessed to have him as my dad. There is so much more to say about him, but the most important thing I can say about him is his steadfast love for our Heavenly Father. His love for Him has been passed down to me and now to my children. What a legacy!

Even as I hurt for my children because they can't celebrate Father's Day with their earthly father, I am reminded that we ALL can celebrate our Heavenly Father on this day. His love for us is more than we can even comprehend sometimes and even greater than any earthly Father could ever give. For that I am thankful. So, Happy Father's Day to my dad as well as the ultimate Father!

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


P.S. Happy Father's Day to Uncle Brad, Uncle Scott, Papa, and Bob-B, too. Thank you for standing in the gap for Anna Lea, Jon Brent and Ally. I am MOST appreciative for your love and sacrifice to them. :)

(Recent photos of the kids before VBS two mornings)

I have sat down to blog over the last several days (usually late at night), but each time I would begin I just couldn't do it. It's been a very busy week because of Vacation Bible School, which was great, but it has also been a very difficult week for me. I say often that grief is really tricky and the last 10 days have been just that. I had just told my good friend Mary Margaret last Friday that I really felt I was doing so much better emotionally. Anyway, I can recognize several factors causing this week to be rough, but I think a lot of it is the fact that we are approaching July 12th. A year.

Last Sunday our pastor preached a sermon on raising children. As I sat and listened I became so overwhelmed with the task before me in raising my children without their daddy. I was so overwhelmed that the tears began to flow and I couldn't stop them. I kept asking the Lord, "how can I do this alone?" The responsibility is tremendous. This week I was reminded of something someone told me once..."if He calls you to it, He'll equip you to do it." My Lord has called me to a life without my husband so once again I must trust that He'll equip me to raise these children without him. I hurt deeply as I listened to our pastor talk about how important it was for a daddy to "date" his daughter(s) in order to prepare them on how they were to be treated one day. Jason was so good at spending one on one time with Anna Lea and did it quite frequently. (Unfortunately, he never really got to do this with Ally.) Once again my heart broke as I thought about Anna Lea and Ally not having their daddy model to them how a man should treat a woman. During the invitation it was as if the Lord quietly whispered in my heart, "I will be the father to the fatherless..." (Psalm 68:5 - "Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.") What a promise! How I am clinging to this very promise right now!

I have been following several individuals who had been battling AML over the last year and a half. Over the last 2 weeks, three of these individuals have lost their battle with this nasty disease. On Tuesday night, I learned that yet another one of them relapsed for a 3rd time. Once again my heart broke. I hurt so deeply for these families as I know the dark valley they will have to walk through in the coming days. As I thought about their loss as well as my own, I began to ponder God's ways. Once again, I was reminded His ways are NOT our ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

His thoughts are so much HIGHER than ours. I believe with everything within me that He is sovereign and that ultimately His plan is far better than mine. If I don't believe that then I might as well pull the covers over my head and not ever get out of bed. He is my ONLY hope! Why did Jason Weathers have to die at 33 and leave a wife and 3 small children? I may never know, but one thing I do know is that we were put on this earth for HIS glory. Yes, it hurts deeply. More than I ever thought possible, but through it all He does sustain me. He loves me with an everlasting love even when I question His ways.

There have been moments this week that I have thought I can't possibly take this pain anymore... only to be encouraged by a text message, facebook message, or friends for lunch/dinner. I am SO blessed to have such GREAT friends who never seem to grow weary of their 'needy' friend these days. Our Lord is using all of these ways to keep me going and for that I am so incredibly thankful.

A friend of mine and Jason's sent me an email the other day with the lyrics to a song that blessed me so much. Indeed I needed these words at the very moment he sent them, too. (Another way God worked.) I want to share them with you, but I also want you to hear the song. Please click on the link...HERE

The video that goes with the song isn't all that great, but the song is so good.

The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness

I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken

I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue

With our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground using our hands

To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

Higher mountains have come down (my FAVORITE part!)

Anna Lea's blog

Anna Lea and I spent a few minutes this a.m. on the porch just talking about Jason. Jon Brent was busy playing with something and Ally was napping at my moms. We had a great talk. Laughed some and cried more. She misses Jason so much, but overall she really is doing remarkable. I am so thankful to our Lord for this. She really loves "making up" stories in her journal so after our talk, I asked her if she wanted to write something about her daddy for me to include in the blog. She was MOST eager. It took her a long time, but she seemed to really enjoy it. I only helped her spell a few words. Well, maybe more than a few, but who's counting! This is a small glimpse into her little mind in regards to her daddy.

This is Anna Lea.

Me and my daddy always watched movies together. And then we would take a nap. I love my daddy because he was sweet. I think about daddy every night. Once me and daddy went to eat together at panera bread and we had so much fun. We would go on dates like that together a lot. He took me to lots of movies. Just me and him. Mom would stay with Jon Brent when he was a baby. I am sad that he can't take me on dates anymore. A couple of days ago I dreamed that daddy came back to earth. He could not stay long then he went back to heaven. He looked the same but he had hair. Just like he used to have. Hair on the sides. He said Anna Lea I love you. I am so glad to see you again. Then Ally walked in the room and said daddy! Jon Brent ran and hugged daddy. My mom came in the room and she was crying. That was all about my dream. I am so glad that I had a daddy like him. I miss him so much. I miss his hugs. I miss him being around me a lot. I miss all of the silly things he did. I miss the silly things mom would get on to him about. I miss playing on the computer with my daddy. We would play games and listen to fun music. Daddy's favorite music was Jimmy Buffet and my favorite music was Wake Up by Hillary Duff. We would turn it up loud and dance and mommy would get mad because sometimes the music was rock and roll. It would be so loud. It was fun. I miss daddy so much. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I smile when I think about him. I hope he misses me. I know I will see him again one day. That makes me really happy.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jon Brent

Four years ago tonight sweet Jon Brent Weathers was preparing to make his grand entrance into the world. I woke up around 3 a.m. that Saturday, May 28, because I couldn't sleep as I was most uncomfortable. Shortly after I awoke, I realized that it was time to head to the hospital...my water broke! I woke Jason and told him that it was time to go and his response was, "are you sure?" Of course I was sure! At 7:53 a.m. Jon Brent arrived! So perfect with such pretty lips and his daddy's nose. Actually, everything about him looked like Jon Jason! See for yourself:

We were so very excited that God saw fit to give us this beautiful baby boy. Jason was most proud to be a daddy to a son and immediately began calling Jon Brent his buddy. He really was the most perfect baby. He would just sit and look around as if to be taking the world in around him. It wasn't until he was about 9 months old that his real personality started to shine. His expressions were and continue to be so animated and his love for life is HUGE. He is somewhat sensitive and can become emotional if/when life doesn't go his way, but he gets that honestly from me. He is much like his daddy in that he loves order with his things. He likes for everything to be in their place. Even when he eats a snack he sometimes will line the food on his plate in perfect order. The older he gets, the more he looks like Jason. What a blessing! He does have my brown eyes, but all other features are more like his daddy's. One of the most unique traits of Jon Brent is his voice. He only knows one volume and that is LOUD! Jon Brent lives life LOUDLY! Jason was much like this as well...ha! Those that knew Jason well know that is a joke for sure.

Lots has happened in the life of this sweet little boy over the last 4 years. A move to Naples, Jason's diagnosis of leukemia, a move back to Hattiesburg, the birth of a baby sister, and less than 2 months after his 3rd birthday, the death of his sweet daddy. Jon Brent has remained such a joy to all of us during all of these MAJOR transitions. He talks of his daddy daily. He remembers some things about Jason on his own and loves it when I remind him of special things his daddy would do with him. He asks lots of questions about why Jason had to go to heaven, but he is always accepting of all the unknowns. He believes with his whole heart that Jason rides motorcycles in heaven!!! Ha! I have no idea where he comes up with such things...

I strolled down memory lane tonight looking at pictures of the last four years of Jon Brent's life to include in this entry. I hope you enjoy looking back with me.

Happy Birthday, Jon Brent! Thank you for the JOY you have brought and continue to bring into my life. I am so blessed to be your mom. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you! I pray you will always choose the path of righteousness. I pray you will love God's word deeply and seek Him all the days of your life. I love you THIS much! :)

His sovereignty

Not a long entry tonight...just wanted to share something I have read and re-read and certainly can cling to each and every day. Before I begin, thank you for still hanging with me on this blog. I'd really like to write more, but with 3 kids, time just doesn't permit. Usually when I do sit down to write, it is after 10:00 p.m. My eyes begin to fail me at this point of the day! I will say it is still an incredible blessing to me that you still share in my journey. I do joke about this being therapy for me, but it really is such a great outlet for me.

As I look back over the last year and a half, I stand amazed at the journey. I stand amazed at our Lord! His hand at work still blows my mind even in my deepest pain. Last week I spent some time with one of my very best friends, who lives out of town. God bless her for her faithfulness to me each and EVERY time I text or call, which has been numerous over the last 11 months especially. We had spent almost the entire day together when she commented on how we both had made it through the day without a major breakdown. Please don't misunderstand...the loss of Jason and his memory was discussed continually. I was somewhat taken back and even asked her if she thought that was normal.

I knew the answer to that question, but for a brief moment I was somewhat worried. Why would I worry about this? It is yet just another way of how my God is ever present and is continually healing and mending my heart. I still miss Jason more than words can express and sometimes my emotions are all over the map, but He remains faithful and His grace is always sufficient.

I know after Jason died, but less and less now, I would replay every medical decision during his illness and especially the last 4 days of his life. I would allow myself to play the "what if" game. You know the game.
What if MD Anderson or UAB would have done this or that?
What if I would have insisted that he stay in the hospital with the pneumonia?
What if I would have stayed with Jason on the day he went into cardiac arrest rather than taking the kids swimming?
You get the point. I have had to take these thoughts captive each and every time. Not only have I had to take each thought captive, I've had to say aloud, "Lord, I trust your sovereignty."

The excerpt below is taken from Beth Moore's, Praying God's Word:
My God is in heaven, He does whatever pleases Him. (Psalm 115:3) Lord, sometimes my only answer will be that You are sovereign. Your word says that the death of Your saints is absolutely precious to You. (Psalm 116:15) One day I will have the answers. Until then, I must trust that You have power and dominion over all things and that You know best. Help me to believe this even when I don't feel this.

Regardless if any of those "what if" questions could be answered differently, my God is in complete control. NONE of what we endured while Jason was sick took Him by surprise. I love the last sentence of the excerpt. There have been many days that just saying that I trusted His sovereignty has been tough. However, IF I can't cling to His sovereignty then I might as well throw in the towel. Praise God He always shows up during these moments of little faith and gives me just a small glimpse of His sovereign hand. One day we'll all know why we have to endure such pain on earth, but until then may we all trust that through it all His will is being accomplished --- to become more like Him! Oh, that because of this journey, I'd look a little more like Jesus.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Proverbs 31:15-31

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Mother's Day. I am certainly thankful for a day set aside to honor my mother. I am going to attempt in a very small way to honor her for all she does for me. Nancy Shows is like no other. I call her the Energizer Bunny...she keeps going and going and going and going! Most of her "going" now revolves around my needs. Scott would tell you that I have always dominated her, but I will admit that has definitely been the case over the last year and a half. When Jason got sick, she stepped into overdrive and hasn't stopped. I did excuse her for 5 days when she and my dad went to the beach back in September. Everything fell apart while she was gone so I informed her that she couldn't do that again for a while! Ha!

Every night she calls me and asks, "what do you need me to do for you tomorrow?" No joke! It's almost embarassing to even admit! :) On the days that I work, she arrives at my house at 7:45 a.m. to care for Jon Brent and Ally. Not only does she take care of them, but most days I come home to a "Nancy" clean house along with the laundry washed and folded. Those of you who know my mom well know what "Nancy" cleans means. NO ONE cleans like my mom. And guess what? I didn't inherit that gene!

She willingly gave up a career last year that she loved and excelled in tremendously in order to help me with the kids. The origianal reason she planned to retire early was so that she could take care of the kids while I cared for Jason when he received the bone marrow transplant in Birmingham. The transplant never came, but I certainly couldn't have made it ONE without my mom after Jason died. God knew I needed a mom like Nancy Shows for such a time as this!

The financial sacrifice she makes DAILY for me and my family are more than appreciated. As many moms do, she does without so that we don't have to! The love and time she gives my kids is unbelievable.

I know she never dreamed at this stage of her life that she would be doing what she is doing, but I praise God DAILY for her. She is a rock for me. She is always there. She keeps on keeping on for me even when I am at my lowest and not the most fun to be around. She gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know she grows very weary and I pray CONTINUALLY that our Lord would sustain her.

As I re-read Proverbs 31 today, I was once again reminded how this passage truly describes Nancy Shows. Mom, Happy Mother's Day. I hope you understand how incredibly thankful I am for you. I hope you know that not a SINGLE days goes by that I don't thank our Lord that he saw fit to bless me with a mom like you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you most importantly for loving Jesus more than me and continually pointing me to Him! The life you live has to be most pleasing to our Lord. Oh, to be more like you! I know that would certainly make your life easier! ha! I love you MUCH! May God bless you over and over!

SIDE NOTES:
1. Thank you Scott and Ashley for being so understanding that I do dominate Nana so much. One day I pray I won't be so needy! :)

2. Also, thanking God for Mrs. Peggy this weekend. So thankful that she raised such wonderful boys in Jason as well as Brad. I know this Mother's Day will be hard for her as it her first Mother's Day without J. Praying you through this day, Mrs. Peggy.