His sovereignty

Not a long entry tonight...just wanted to share something I have read and re-read and certainly can cling to each and every day. Before I begin, thank you for still hanging with me on this blog. I'd really like to write more, but with 3 kids, time just doesn't permit. Usually when I do sit down to write, it is after 10:00 p.m. My eyes begin to fail me at this point of the day! I will say it is still an incredible blessing to me that you still share in my journey. I do joke about this being therapy for me, but it really is such a great outlet for me.

As I look back over the last year and a half, I stand amazed at the journey. I stand amazed at our Lord! His hand at work still blows my mind even in my deepest pain. Last week I spent some time with one of my very best friends, who lives out of town. God bless her for her faithfulness to me each and EVERY time I text or call, which has been numerous over the last 11 months especially. We had spent almost the entire day together when she commented on how we both had made it through the day without a major breakdown. Please don't misunderstand...the loss of Jason and his memory was discussed continually. I was somewhat taken back and even asked her if she thought that was normal.

I knew the answer to that question, but for a brief moment I was somewhat worried. Why would I worry about this? It is yet just another way of how my God is ever present and is continually healing and mending my heart. I still miss Jason more than words can express and sometimes my emotions are all over the map, but He remains faithful and His grace is always sufficient.

I know after Jason died, but less and less now, I would replay every medical decision during his illness and especially the last 4 days of his life. I would allow myself to play the "what if" game. You know the game.
What if MD Anderson or UAB would have done this or that?
What if I would have insisted that he stay in the hospital with the pneumonia?
What if I would have stayed with Jason on the day he went into cardiac arrest rather than taking the kids swimming?
You get the point. I have had to take these thoughts captive each and every time. Not only have I had to take each thought captive, I've had to say aloud, "Lord, I trust your sovereignty."

The excerpt below is taken from Beth Moore's, Praying God's Word:
My God is in heaven, He does whatever pleases Him. (Psalm 115:3) Lord, sometimes my only answer will be that You are sovereign. Your word says that the death of Your saints is absolutely precious to You. (Psalm 116:15) One day I will have the answers. Until then, I must trust that You have power and dominion over all things and that You know best. Help me to believe this even when I don't feel this.

Regardless if any of those "what if" questions could be answered differently, my God is in complete control. NONE of what we endured while Jason was sick took Him by surprise. I love the last sentence of the excerpt. There have been many days that just saying that I trusted His sovereignty has been tough. However, IF I can't cling to His sovereignty then I might as well throw in the towel. Praise God He always shows up during these moments of little faith and gives me just a small glimpse of His sovereign hand. One day we'll all know why we have to endure such pain on earth, but until then may we all trust that through it all His will is being accomplished --- to become more like Him! Oh, that because of this journey, I'd look a little more like Jesus.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Proverbs 31:15-31

She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Mother's Day. I am certainly thankful for a day set aside to honor my mother. I am going to attempt in a very small way to honor her for all she does for me. Nancy Shows is like no other. I call her the Energizer Bunny...she keeps going and going and going and going! Most of her "going" now revolves around my needs. Scott would tell you that I have always dominated her, but I will admit that has definitely been the case over the last year and a half. When Jason got sick, she stepped into overdrive and hasn't stopped. I did excuse her for 5 days when she and my dad went to the beach back in September. Everything fell apart while she was gone so I informed her that she couldn't do that again for a while! Ha!

Every night she calls me and asks, "what do you need me to do for you tomorrow?" No joke! It's almost embarassing to even admit! :) On the days that I work, she arrives at my house at 7:45 a.m. to care for Jon Brent and Ally. Not only does she take care of them, but most days I come home to a "Nancy" clean house along with the laundry washed and folded. Those of you who know my mom well know what "Nancy" cleans means. NO ONE cleans like my mom. And guess what? I didn't inherit that gene!

She willingly gave up a career last year that she loved and excelled in tremendously in order to help me with the kids. The origianal reason she planned to retire early was so that she could take care of the kids while I cared for Jason when he received the bone marrow transplant in Birmingham. The transplant never came, but I certainly couldn't have made it ONE without my mom after Jason died. God knew I needed a mom like Nancy Shows for such a time as this!

The financial sacrifice she makes DAILY for me and my family are more than appreciated. As many moms do, she does without so that we don't have to! The love and time she gives my kids is unbelievable.

I know she never dreamed at this stage of her life that she would be doing what she is doing, but I praise God DAILY for her. She is a rock for me. She is always there. She keeps on keeping on for me even when I am at my lowest and not the most fun to be around. She gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know she grows very weary and I pray CONTINUALLY that our Lord would sustain her.

As I re-read Proverbs 31 today, I was once again reminded how this passage truly describes Nancy Shows. Mom, Happy Mother's Day. I hope you understand how incredibly thankful I am for you. I hope you know that not a SINGLE days goes by that I don't thank our Lord that he saw fit to bless me with a mom like you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you most importantly for loving Jesus more than me and continually pointing me to Him! The life you live has to be most pleasing to our Lord. Oh, to be more like you! I know that would certainly make your life easier! ha! I love you MUCH! May God bless you over and over!

SIDE NOTES:
1. Thank you Scott and Ashley for being so understanding that I do dominate Nana so much. One day I pray I won't be so needy! :)

2. Also, thanking God for Mrs. Peggy this weekend. So thankful that she raised such wonderful boys in Jason as well as Brad. I know this Mother's Day will be hard for her as it her first Mother's Day without J. Praying you through this day, Mrs. Peggy.

Found Treasures

Tonight as I sat down at the computer I found myself scrolling through documents of Jason's. I have done this one other time right after he died, but tonight I found 2 things that I had not seen before. God is good like that...

The first thing I found was a note he had typed on our 9th wedding anniversary, which we celebrated in Naples. It wasn't a long note, but a simple message. Jason usually had to be in surgery by 6:00 a.m. so he would quietly eat his breakfast in our office at home so not to wake me nor the kids. Apparently that a.m. he decided to type a message on the screen so that when I sat down at the computer this was the first thing I would see. The message simply said,

"Happy Anniversary, Steph! I love you more than I can say. Thank you for 9 wonderful years! I look forward to many more!"

Wow. So thankful to find this tonight even through the tears. A little piece of J. A little reminder of the love we shared. Although very difficult in some ways to see the last part of the message...still so good to see. We didn't get many more anniversaries after the ninth one, but oh how incredibly blessed to have had the years I had with him. Thank you, Jesus!

Another document I found on our computer tonight was an email that Jason saved. The email was between me and my brother, Scott. Jason saved it as "encouragement to Steph by Scott." At first I was puzzled as to why he saved it, but I am so thankful he did. The email was written on August 14, 2006. We had just moved to Naples a few months prior to this and at the time I was experiencing GREAT homesickness over being so far away from home. I was pretty much having a pity party because God had called us so far away from Hattiesburg. I was also experiencing the Lord in a very sweet way, too. I have said this time after time, but how very thankful I am for the time God placed us in Naples. The Lord used that wonderful place to prepare me for the journey I would soon walk with Jason and then the next part of the journey without him. How I went kicking and screaming, but how thankful I am for it now!

Anyway, back to the email. My brother emailed me an email that was most encouraging and although my circumstances are SO very different than they were August 14, 2006, it ministered to my soul once again. I am so thankful Jason saw fit to save this in our personal documents. See below the email...

Hey Scott. It seems like months since we have talked. I hate that, but I know you are really busy. I hope things are going well for you. I pray for you often. And I don't just say that to be saying that.

Things are beautiful in Naples, but it doesn't really feel like "home" for me yet. It has been an emotional road the last several days, but I am persevering. I must say NEVER has there been a time in my life when I have been so lonely and homesick. I know the Lord placed us here for a reason and I am beginning to see one of those reasons was for me to realize that HE is all I really need. The Lord has reminded me of that promise over and over the last several days. I have discovered that He will never leave me nor forsake me. No one else can make that promise to me. It is very strange to move to a town and not know a soul - literally. You know that every other move we've made things have been made easy for us. People catered to me b/c I was Gary Shows' daughter. They made sure I had friends - in good classes at school -even introduced me to my mate. :) This time that hasn't happened. Jason has been very sweet and understanding, but I know it is hard for him to "be there" for me all the time b/c of his hard schedule. My walk with the Lord is so much sweeter right now and for that I am grateful.

Anna Lea started preschool today. She did good. A little uneasy at first, but I think she had a good time. Jason and I were SO nervous. I think she will enjoy this school once she makes some friends and gets in the routine. She wanted to wear her "Anna Lea" dress so that she didn't have to wear a name tag. Smart, isn't she? She takes after Uncle Scott. She didn't have to wear a name tag either.

Jon Brent is FINALLY starting to take some steps. He took several tonight and then realized what he was doing and sat down. He is so much like Jason, but he acts like me. Poor kid.

Ok, I'd better go help get kids to bed. I guess you are getting "geared" up for Ole Miss football. Go Rebs! :)
We'll be pulling for them here in South Florida. We are coming home the last week in Sept. I know we won't see you since both weekends we'll be home Ole Miss has home games. I know where your heart is! Ha! Love you,
Steph

Scott's response: August 16, 2006
Sis,

My heart has hurt for you every time I think of you. You know that I am no longer an overly sensitive guy. I blame that on some hard times that I had and was only able to survive thanks to prayer warriors like you and Nancy. However, even with your prayers, I still reverted to the humanistic solution and hardened up. That bothers me most of the time, but never more than when I read this email and thought about my thoughts about your situation over the last few weeks.

Steph, I will be honest and tell you that I have not reached out to you because I was convinced that you, your beautiful children and the relationship you have with you terrific husband would be even stronger after this move. I have never been jealous of the unique relationship you have had with our parents, and I have been thankful that you have been able to fill their cup for me and you both. However, I selfishly decided that I knew it all (surprising, huh?) and that this move to Naples would allow you to discover life without the luxuries and downsides of being Gary Shows' daughter.

You see, in 1990, I chose to go to Ole Miss at the last moment. That decision made me what I am today, and I will never regret one day in the progression that led me to August 14th, 2006. However, 1990 was rough. You were able to love me through the unhealthy end to an unhealthy relationship, but you missed the heartache of 1990. I learned to make my own way for the first time in my life. You are right that our moves, while difficult, were always easier because they were God driven and God provided support second to none. In Oxford, I was truly alone at first. I had to make it or not, and there was no church member or church family to call someone and make sure it was corrected.

I have falsely believed that you would come to the same conclusion that I did, and that would be that this would help you define who the Jason Weather's family really was. Not Jon Mark and Gary's kids, but the Jason Weather's family. But, in my now typical hard manner, I lost sight of the fact that even if I was right, there was a lot of hurt along the way. Placing fragile children in the wake of that hurt makes your path 100 times worse than the path God gave me.

I tell you all this for three reasons:

1. You are right that God has you there for a very specific reason. Only He can reveal that reason, and only on His time will it be revealed. I gave a bad analogy to Mom last night. What if God wants Anna Lea to be a missionary to China? She can remember being in a "foreign" place and making her home, friends, identity, etc. at the ripe old age of 4! How much easier it will be in the later stages in life?

2. I am a heartless brute that should be required to slide down a slide of razor blades into a pool of alcohol if my sister thinks she is interrupting my busy schedule at her biggest time of need. Not to mention that she truly believes my heart lies with Ole Miss football. That is only partly true. :)

3. You are going to be okay. I know you know it and don't want to hear it, but you have to remember it. Every day will become easier and easier, and I KNOW that your unbelievable personality will endear you to all that you come in contact with. I have been so proud the last 20 years or so to see you blossom. There is no stranger when Stephanie Shows Weathers is around. That is a spiritual gift that you can cash checks with. Embrace it, trust in Lord and try to find the positives! Mom used to always tell us that we needed an attitude adjustment. That can apply in every situation you face. DECIDE to have that attitude adjustment and let your attitude be one of welcoming the challenges and new horizons with only a scant glance back to what it was like in the past.
The past is the history, the future is a mystery. Today is a gift, that is why they call it the "Present."God bless you sister. You are my hero, and I wish on 20 occasions a week that I were as complete as you!

Thank you for loving me.
Scott

Like I mentioned earlier...this email ministered to my soul almost 3 years later and the circumstances are totally different. I am so thankful that my sweet husband chose to save this for he had no idea that I would need to be reminded of these words on May 4, 2009.

Long time no blog...

Long time, no blog because of:

wedding fun!

Lindsay, Anna Lea and Jon Brent prior to wedding

all the cousins at rehearsal dinner for Haley and Daniel

Jon Brent, Haley and Anna Lea at rehearsal dinner

all the cousins at Haley and Daniel's wedding

It's been over a week since I visited therapy here on my blog. Not necessarily because I didn't need it, but really because things have been SUPER busy the last 2 weeks. Jon Brent and Anna Lea had the incredible honor of being in 2 weddings over the last 2 weekends. The first weekend was Jason's first cousin, Lindsay and her groom, Robert. The second was my sister in law Ashley's brother, Daniel and his bride, Haley. Both weddings were beautiful and we felt blessed to have been a part of both. I must confess it is a little stressful when your kids are in a wedding. My fear was that my sweet little innocent children (Ha and bigger ha!) would somehow ruin the big day! God is good...and prayers were answered...along with a bribe of a brand new bike if they did exactly what they were supposed to do! Sorry to those who disagree with bribing your children...sometimes it is necessary and usually always works. :)

Last Monday after Lindsay and Robert's wedding and a week before Haley and Daniel's wedding, Ally started to run an unexplained fever. At the time of the onset of fever she had no other symptoms other than the fever. No out of the ordinary fussiness which usually signals to me an ear infection. I don't think I mentioned this in previous entries, but 2 weeks before she did the exact same thing. So, when the fever returned so quickly I began to panic. Now, let me explain...

Fever in one of my children prior to Jason's illness would have never greatly concerned me, but since we discovered Jason's leukemia by an unexplained fever, I must confess I now have great anxiety anytime the thermometer says anything over 100.6. Monday's fever shook me to the core. Fear totally overcame me. I was scared and anxious to the point of feeling paralyzed. I called my dad and thankfully he answered. My mom had gone out of town for the day and I just needed to express my concern to someone. Immediately when I heard his voice on the phone, I fell apart. He reminded me that I was drawing conclusions to something that wasn't necessarily there. He was right, but I was scared. Really scared. I started feeling like I did the days leading up to Jason's official diagnosis. My mind was going places it shouldn't be going. I wanted to cry out to the Lord, but I literally felt paralyzed.

Fear is a crazy emotion we experience. God's word tell us many times over and over not to fear. I was in sin that Monday. I allowed thoughts in my mind that I should have taken captive to the Lord. A few minutes after I called my dad he called me back and told me that my pediatrician would be calling my cell soon. That's what dad's do...they fix things for their children! He was trying to 'fix' this for me. My sweet pediatrician did call about 5 minutes later and instructed me to come in right after lunch. He calmed me down some and told me that he would do a CBC (complete blood count) just to ease my fears.

One o'clock couldn't come soon enough for me. He examined her and said her ears were perfect, but her throat was a little red. He thought for sure this was something viral again, but a CBC would be done to rule out what I was fearing the most. As I waited for them to draw her blood and then wait for the results, I held her and thought to myself, "how in the world will I get through this if my sweet baby Ally has abnormal blood work?" Satan was having a hay day as I had given him a foot hold into my heart and mind. The lab tech could see the fear in my eyes and she tried to calm me down. I apologized for being so fearful. She knew that Jason had died of leukemia and she completely understood how I could be so apprehensive over an unexplained body temperature. I watched every move she made in the lab with Ally's blood. Unfortunately, I had seen this process way too many times. I knew exactly how long it would take to get results. I knew how she would put the blood in a machine and after a few minutes a report would come out of the printer. I watched that printer like a hawk. I saw her look at the results and immediately she looked at my with a smile..."she has plenty of platelets and she is not even close to being anemic!" Low platelets and low red blood cells, which causes anemia, often can mean something is seriously wrong with the blood.

"PRAISE JESUS, " I said out loud! As I drove out of the parking lot, I was still so emotional, but this time I was grieved with how I must have disappointed my Savior on this day. Worry and fear had consumed me. I was quickly reminded of the passage of scripture in Philippians 4.

"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things."

NO thought I had that day fit any of those criteria set in Phillipians. The peace of God couldn't rule in my life that Monday because neither my heart nor my mind was being guarded by the Lord. Oh, how I confessed this to Him and pleaded for forgiveness. My God is good and always faithful. Why did I doubt for one second His love for me or His faithfulness? He has been nothing but faithful over the last year.

I have been told by several individuals that what I experienced last Monday was common for those who have just lived through what we've lived through, however, I SO wish I would not have allowed fear to dictate my heart and mind. Leukemia has changed me, but I don't ever want it to grip me like it gripped me last week. I am so incredibly thankful for God's word. I am so thankful for my Savior's unconditional love for me...even when I am in sin, He loves me with an unbelievable love.

I do feel as if my Lord is in the process of healing my broken heart, but I still have moments of incredible sadness because my sweet Jason is no longer with me. I do know this for certain...I am still holding on tightly to my Lord and PRAISE Him, He is continuing to hold tightly to me! Tonight as I was doing prayer time with Jon Brent he prayed a very simple prayer. It went like this:
"Jesus, I miss my daddy. Will you tell him hey? Amen." Of course, tears fell from my eyes immediately, but when I looked at Jon Brent, he was smiling. I have no idea whether or not if a greeting from Jon Brent will be given to Jason by our Lord, but I know this...Jon Brent was smiling. A smile as if to say, I miss my daddy, but Jesus can make it better. Oh, the faith these precious children of mine are teaching me during this time. Tonight I will learn from Jon Brent...Jesus, I trust you as I know you can and will make it better! To You be the glory!

Trust in the Lord

Our pastor and his wife Kimberly are currently in the Ukraine right now where they are in the process of adopting 4 children. One day last week he stated on facebook that he was studying Proverbs 3:5-6 and planned to preach on this passage when he returned. Several people commented (on facebook) that this was their first passage of scripture to memorize. I was one of those individuals, however, I had to put it to music in order to learn it when I was a child. My mom discovered quickly when I was young that I could learn lots of things if she would just put it to music, including how to spell my name.(Don't make fun...Stephanie is a long name!) Anyway, jokingly I told our pastor, Tony, that I'd teach him the song so that he could sing it to the church in his sermon. :) Anna Lea overheard me telling someone about this and volunteered her services.

She actually learned this song not long ago as we were on a plane travelling to Naples. She was quite apprehensive because of the turbulence we were experiencing. Anna Lea loves music and because of this I was able to calm her down by singing this song in her ear. She picked up on it quickly and has sang it MANY times over the last year. Often we would sing it together while Jason battled leukemia.

I thought you might enjoy hearing her sing the scripture. She is quite proud of this as well. :) I've realized I'll need to teach her lessons of humility in the days to come...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Easter...in a new light

Last year Jason and I spent Easter Sunday in Forrest General receiving platelets as he had just received a week of chemo the week prior. His platelet count had bottomed out completely and waiting until Monday was not an option. He felt horrible and we were both emotional and very much on edge all morning. (A regret of mine, but that's for another entry.) He was frustrated that he couldn't be with the kids on Easter as it was Ally's first. It certainly didn't rank as one of our favorite Easter's. This year was different for us both.

I thought about last Easter a lot today and all that has changed since then. I thought how I wished Jason could be here to celebrate our risen Savior and then I realized he is celebrating our risen Savior like never before! As I have contemplated the cross this week I have once again become more in awe of the love our Father has for us. I have worshipped the Lord this week in a way I never have. I have felt His incredible love in a way that still boggles my brain at times...not to mention my heart.

"Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15...this entire passage has taken on a whole new meaning this Easter. He has swallowed up death!

I shared these verses of scripture with Anna Lea as we were getting ready for church. I reminded her that because of our Lord's great love for us He sent His only son to die, but not only to die, but to be raised up on day 3 and conquer death once and for all. She asked me what the word conquer meant. Before I could even finish she finished for me. "Mom, because He died, we can see daddy again." Yes! Amen and amen, Anna Lea! She gets it. Do you know how that thrills my soul? Now, if I could just get Jon Brent on the same page! :) In time, I know.

My God is good. Although I miss Jason more than words can adequately express, my soul has experienced healing. I am so incredibly thankful.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the cross! Thank you for what you are doing in my heart. Lord, may I always be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that if I remain in you, your labor is not in vain.

P.S. How perfect is it that Allyson Laine Weathers took her first steps today? Such a sweet Easter in SO many ways! To Him be the Glory!

I am blessed

Friends have always been so important to me. I am so incredibly blessed to have so many great friends who have certainly gone above and beyond over the last year. This group of GIRLS is no different! Meet Mary Margaret, Kaysha and Amy. We were all apart of a supper club (with our husbands) for many years here in Hattiesburg. We have so many wonderful memories together and thank the Lord we continue to make them. The Lord has carried each of us in different directions over the last several years which caused great sadness yet excitement as God's hand has led each of us. Amy and Scott moved to Midland, Texas, where he is on staff at a church. Kaysha and Hal left Hattiesburg for Kansas for Hal to attend medical school. The Lord has recently moved them to Birmingham for a continuation of school. Mary Margaret and Tim are still hanging with me in Hattiesburg and boy am I thankful God has left them here! Jason loved this group of friends so much and was always wanting us to get together more than our schedule allowed. This past weekend the girls met in Birmingham for a wonderful weekend of shopping, eating, laughing, crying, praying, more laughing and more crying. It was medicine for my soul. We also got to take in a Broadway show...WICKED. It was fabulous!

As we sat around this weekend we were able to share all that God was teaching us in the season we were currently in. It was very overwhelming to hear and see all God had done in each of our lives over the last several months. Once again I was able to see God's faithfulness. His hand was evident. There has been pain, disappointment, fear, loss, bitterness, forgiveness, happiness, and JOY. None of the paths He has taken us down have been easy yet in EVERY situation His love and hand was evident. A love that truly never lets go even in the darkest of times.

These girls will never know how "held" up I feel while in their presence and for that I am so blessed. I just wish we could get together more often. So, thank you sweet friends for the incredible weekend. Thank your sweet husbands for the sacrifices they made to make it happen! (We have 12 kids between the four of us!)

Thank you to my parents and Jason's parents for carrying the load while I was away. Once again...I am blessed to have such amazing support around me right now. My family AND friends amaze me more and more everyday. Our God is good to provide these relationships! Oh, how I pray I can be even a small blessing in all of their lives for all they have done for me...they'll never know fully.